The human embodiment of a half empty can of Natty Ice – legal name Brett Mike Kavanaugh – died to me on Saturday October 6th. He was the first Blackout person appointed to the Supreme Court of the United States.
Kananaugh was not the only Supreme Creep Justice to have assaulted a woman but he was the first to have done it with beer inside his butthole. In fact, he always dreamt of becoming a judge because it was the only (non celibate) profession in which he could wear a robe and hide the pony keg he had permanently tapped into his ass.
Before he was on the bench he spent countless hours of his youth benching with his friends Tobin and PJ and Brett’s nomination was a proud day for white guys with douchebag nicknames everywhere.
Upon confirmation he got hella smashed and yelled, “‘Bout fuckin’ time! Party at Tobin’s everyone!” He then demanded to be called “Extreme Court Justice Kavanaugh”.
He was widely known for his stance that a sitting president could not be indicted or investigated but ironically admitted that a case of beer would be a safer babysitter for his daughters than President Trump.
Aside from his work as a judge, Brett greatly helped the calendar industry by increasing sales by 90% among aspiring rapist looking to secure an unimpeachable alibi.
He is survived by two daughters and his wife Ashley, the only women not smart enough to give him a fake phone number.
Kavanaugh will not be laid to rest because he might actually like it. Instead he will be subjected to a lifetime of Devil’s Triangles with Clarence Thomas and a strap-on-wielding Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Brett Kavanaugh the majority opinion is that you are dead to me.