What better way to get into the Roast Battle spirit then to Roast a few pillars of the Corpus Christi Community. Unfortunately, most of the people in CC with local celebrity status are news personalities, which mean I’ll be punching down with these jokes. Who am I kidding, I’m too afraid to punch up anyway.
Roast Rule #1- Don’t be offended… Remember, in a real roast, anything goes.
Joe Gazin (KIII News)
A lot of people don’t realize that when we see Joe on screen that is the size he is in real life.
Joe Gazin looks like that friend of your dad’s that you know will hit on you if you talk to him more than 20 seconds.
He has found that Corpus celebrity sweet spot where everybody knows who he is but nobody cares enough to make him a damn Wikipedia page.
Joe is the highest-paid local news anchor, putting him in the same tax bracket as the lowest paid local paralegal.
At 67 years old he is considered a young whippersnapper by people who still watch the evening news.
He’s got a smile that could quash a dozen sexual harassment claims, and has.
Katia Uriarte (KRIS News)
Katia is like the Selena of Corpus Christi news… if Selena’s only talent was reading a teleprompter.
She recently moved to a new station because she was jealous that her co-anchor Joe Gazin was prettier than her.
Rex Gabriel (C101 Guy in the Morning)
They say he drives a big motorcycle to compensate for his small microphone.
Rex works in radio, but he has a face for gay porn and a body for… gay porn.
He is invested way too much in a dying medium and in medium t-shirts.
No other radio DJ on earth has more professional headshots.
Rex is living proof that getting up early every morning gets you nowhere.
Kristin Diaz (KIII News)
Kristin is the most gorgeous and charismatic person in this city.
Please marry me.
I will kill for you.
I have killed for you.
Call me: 361-549-6213
You are Corpus Christi’s biggest celebrity, that’s a fact and an insult.
Your songs taught Spanish to a generation of Latinx kids whose parent’s culturally failed them.
I heard DJ Yolanda put out a remix – Bidi Bidi Bang Bang.
Aberaham Quintanilla (Selena’s Dad)
He always takes extra time to meet Selena fans and make sure their Selena shirts were purchased at an authorized dealer.
Abe has never met a family member he wouldn’t sue.
He refused a blood transfusion for his daughter because that blood was his lunch.
Abe is such an egomaniac; he wanted JLo to play him in the movie.
Mayor Joe McComb
Looks like Hank Hill if he had an extra wide urethra.
He has 5 children and 11 grandchildren, none of whom have been able to teach him how to use email.
The only thing stauncher than his anti-progressive policy is the part in his hair.
He is proud to tell everyone that he always votes for black candidates… in talent competitions.
Nelda Martinez (Former Mayor)
Nelda… what do you plan on doing with those 101 Dalmatians?
Rudy Trevino (KIII News)
Rudy has never meet a sexual scandal he couldn’t sweep under the rug with his mustache.
Does anyone else think Rudy is one of those serial killers that hide in plain sight?
Jessica Savage (KRIS News)
You look like you are wearing a loose Jessica Savage costume.
Jessica Savage was once mistakenly commended by the LGBT community for being the first Trans News Reporter in Texas.
Like other more well known Savages, Ben and Fred, she looks kind of weird but for some reason still gets put on TV.
With that nose, all of her reporting is Gonzo Journalism. (If anyone gets that joke call me and lets be friends.)
Jessica, I served with Katia; I knew Katia; Katia was a friend of mine; Jessica… you’re no Katia.
Police Chief Mike Markle
With a name like Michael Markle, you almost have to believe your parents didn’t want you to survive middle school.
He doesn’t use starch on his uniform, he just yells at it until it gets straight.
Mike Markle thinks he is Michael Chiklis from The Sheild, but he is more like Michael Chiklis from The Commish.
Chief Markle shaves his head by choice and his pubes by force.
Please don’t taze me bro.
Michael Cloud (Local Congressman)
Michael Cloud, when I look into your eyes, I am 100% sure you are possessed by a demon.
He’s a website designer fluent in SQL, JAVA and KKK.
He ran for congress just to get away from his Mexican family. That’s right, Cloud’s wife is from Mexico and part of the ‘sex for citizenship’ program designed by Trump.