Category Archives: Scabby on…


I know it may seem unlikely but for most of my life I have been a member of the GOP, no, not the Gangrene Old Pu**y, the Grand Old Party. Yup, deep down your Scabby dearest runs red, in more ways than one and not just once a month. I mean I am at all times bleeding out of several orifices. As a Republican I believe in the right to bear arms, but to be honest, nowadays I can only bear an arm to about the elbow, then it gets too painful. I also think government should be as small and unobtrusive as a congressman’s dong. I am however anti-free-market… ain’t nothing free when it comes to me, besides any commerce involving my body is more accurately described as the flea-market.
But even as a dying hard republican, I have to say that Donald Trump is too much and at the same time not enough. If you are going to threaten Scabby’s right to choose then you are gonna suffer the full force of my vaginactivism. As with most ancient things, the ripened relic between my legs wields true and strange power.

Scabby on Heathcare Repeel

Seeing how most of my customers are local congressional representatives as well as sexually repressed Republicans, I have heard more than my share about the GOP’s attempts to repeel and replace Obama Care. So I thought, who better to write on the subject of peeling and repeeling than Scabby.

Sure common knowledge tells us to let that wound scab over and heal, and once upon a time we lived in an economy where a street-walking industrialist like myself had the time to get worked over and cut up real good for that almighty dollar and then go home, take the morning to scab up, heal, and do it all again the next night. Unfortunately, these days that isn’t the case.

Selling Out with Scabby and Reel Big Fish

Dear Scabby,

We are short staffed this month since Blake Farenthold passed mono to everyone in the office. I know he is one of your regulars, but thanks to your no-kissing policy you’re the only writer we have left to write up the Reel Big Fish show. I need 400 words by Midnight. –Wil Vent

P.S. 400 is the same as two cartons of cigs, it’s also how many dollars you would have if you gave 160 BJ’s

Dear Abusive Bastard of a Boss,

I’ll write your little article about this fruity little band, but remember you still owe me a ten spot for that ring job last Saturday.


Scabby on The White House

I get it, all these people want to live in that fancy white house. Who wouldn’t? I’d be happy just to live in a white neighborhood. Some of us are going to have to accept that it just isn’t gonna happen. Some people just don’t belong in those houses and neighborhoods, and by some people, I mean Jews. Of course I am just kidding, there’s always room for a few of God’s chosen people in WASP country, and by wasp country, I mean what I called my vagina that time I found a beehive attached to my labia minora.

In all seriousness, I spent a little bit of time under the desks of some of the top advisers on the Docockus ’88 campaign. And way before that, in 1964, I was part of a group of grassroots goldwater supporters. We hated Barry Goldwater, but we were in favor of going out in the yard and peeing on each other, which at the time made more sense than anything old Boring Pisswater was spraying. I’ve been told that I have a one of a kind perspective and a never before seen STD cocktail in my pink beaker.

First off, you are alienating the Herpeed-American vote with your very insensitive slogan. That’s almost 25% of the population that is going to lean to Trump or Hillary simply because they don’t remind them of those nasty flare-ups in their dirty little ballot boxes.

Scabby on Open Carry  

In my line of work, you carry a lot of things. For starters, on any given day I am carrying an entire ecosystem of various microscopic mites and invisible parasites. I’ve carried over 2-dozen babies, and 3-dozen infections, a few of them to full-term. One thing I never forget to carry is my Smith & Wesson Model 29, if you are not familiar with that particular piece; it is the same kind Clint Eastwood used as the Dirty Harry character. I have always been proud of my ‘metal manhood’ or ‘chrome c*ck’, as I like to call it.
Now, if I am going to make the daily rent on my shed behind the empty pool of the half-burned down motel on Agnes, I have to be working those corners, and that means showing some skin. Momma always said to leave a little bit to the imagination, but that was before we had to compete with the high-speed,

ScabScab on the TonTons

Some of you may not know this about old Scabby, but I love me some indie music. A few nights back as I was bumming cigs outside of House of Rock, I heard the most angelic young voice. I made it inside and got to see a couple of songs before I was politely asked to take my dripping somewhere else. I get it. I’m not sure why, but I am always dripping and I know it’s a hazard. No hard feelings on that.
The band I witnessed was the Tontons, and after being ejected, I found a nice gutter within earshot of the Venue and enjoyed the rest of the set. Those pipes belonged to

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