Category Archives: Dead To Me Obits

Muhammad Ali Dead To Me Obit

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I didn’t know The Champ very well, but I like to think we had a lot in common. It was said that he could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. I’ve been known to collect butterflies because I’m deathly allergic to bees.

For the younger generations, Ali reigned before our time. Most young people who hear the words “down goes Frazier” wonder why beating up Kelsey Grammer was so impressive. Although seeing Ali in his prime tossing the salad and scrambling the eggs of Beast from X-Men would be an event that would surely pull promoter Don King by the hair, out of retirement.

In ‘74 you came out with a win at Rumble in the Jungle, but at 74 years old you got knocked out by

Selena Dead to Me: an Obituary

When I think of the great Latina vocalist Selena, I think of Corpus Christi’s long-time, aged, retired local News Anchor Walter Furley.

Stay with me here.

Once, for one of The Vent’s April Fool’s issues, I almost ran a story claiming that Furley had died. As most of you know, I have never had a problem with inventing the distasteful in the name of comedy or satire, but even my heartstrings can be tugged from time to time. As I searched through Walt’s Facebook page to find an appropriate obituary photo, I guess I clicked through one too many pictures of the old chap with his Grandchildren, and the story, unlike Furley at the time, was dead.

Joan Rivers Dead To Me 1933-2014

What can I say about Joan Rivers that Louis CK, didn’t cover on the brilliant episode of his show on which she guest starred. Well, I can say that there are very few women in this world that I have never looked at sexually… most of the ones I’m related to and Joan Rivers. I’m sorry Joan, but for whatever reason I have never viewed you as a sexual creature. A creature yes, but not a sexual one. Don’t get me wrong; I am sure my dad was all over your pics, like I am on Sarah Silverman’s, but I am just too young for whatever was left of your original body.
The good thing about the preceding horribly insulting paragraph is that I was always able to appreciate your personality and comedy without any distractions, and we know that is what you female comedians all wanna hear, right? Joan Rivers you are dead to me, but you’ve always been dead to my penis.

Robin Williams Dead To Me 1951-2014

Robin, Robin, Robin, I will miss you, you hairy man you. Every time I look at my dads fuzzy arms I will remember you getting Matt Damon to break down in good will hunting and hence bringing this 17 year old (at the time) to tears. Robin Williams, you had a hand in raising me, you taught me tolerance in Birdcage, and with Good Morning Vietnam you showed me how to stand up for what I believe is right, and with everything else I guess you taught me that a person never really has to stop talking if they don’t want to.
Robin you are dead to me, but… It’s not your fault. No, no, no, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault. LOOK AT ME! IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. it’s not your fault.

Dead To Me Obit: Harold Ramis 1944-2014

Harold Ramis died at age 69 from complications of autoimmune inflammatory vasculitis. Known as the brains behind the Ghostbusters crew to many you were more than that to others. “Egon” to rest with other second city alums like Belushi and Radner your legacy lives on. Even though you were snubbed by Satan himself, Lorne Michaels, you did what any talented American would do and went to Canada as head writer for SCTV. As a film writer you introduced me and so many

Dead To Me Obit: Phillip Seymour Hoffman 1967 – 2014

What can you say, that hasn’t already been said, about the guy who made ‘sharts’ a part of the zeitgeist?
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, I feel in love with your raw talent in Love Liza, and your raw prickness in Punch Drunk Love, and I only wish I had the balls you showed in Charlie Wilson’s War. You were a force my friend, a fucking force. 14 years ago, I was the young writer you counseled in Almost Famous, and today, I feel like I’m ever closer to reaching Lester Bangs status.
With your death, I now have to face my own great shame, not that I too am an addict, or that I also feel like one of those creepy, pervy, assholes you portrayed so well, but that after almost 2 decades, I still haven’t seen

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