Category Archives: National

Nike Introduces the Kaepernick Shoe Option

In what some have called a controversial marketing decision by one of the world’s leaders in athletic wear, Nike recently named former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick as the face of the 30th-anniversary campaign of the ‘Just Do It’ slogan.

In the latest push to further promote their spokesperson this week, Nike instituted a new shoe option. With every pair of Nike shoes, customers will now have the opportunity to Kaepernick their purchase.

“For a long time,” said Nike CEO Mark Parker, “we have been looking for a new way to increase revenue.” Until now the shoe industry has failed to find our own version of the ‘Super Size’.

Nation in Desperate Need of Weekend at Bernie’s Reboot

It has never been more clear than after the deaths of Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin on August 16th and Senator John McCain nine days later, that the country is subconsciously yearning for a remake of the classic 1989 film, Weekend at Bernie’s.

The first person to publicly mention this trend was some anonymous Internet-rich loser with a film theory YouTube channel. He claimed, “I was putting together a clip-fest that was sure to get at least four-million- 67% views; Top-10 Films In Which A (Non-Vampire) Corpse Has More Than 50% Screen Time. Weekend at B’s part 1 and 2 would surely make up 20% of that list. I had to watch them in their entirety to be sure, and while doing so, I noticed all the similarities between these classics and the crazy adventures people were planning IRL with Aretha and McCain. to Erase Bill Cosby from Existence

More bad news for Bill Cosby as he continues to feel the consequences of crimes he committed in the prime of his career. Yale University has revoked his honorary degree – the first time in their history to do so. Officials at Northwestern University will meet soon and decide whether they will do the same. The serial molester has been booted from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and removed from the website of the Television hall of fame. All of the restaurants within the delivery zone of his home, in which he remains on house arrest awaiting sentencing, have refused to bring Cosby a decent meal. Now it seems the Internet Movie Database of record plans to erase Bill Cosby’s profile and all works with which he was affiliated.

Trump Vows to Unite East and West Korea

Not to be outdone by the peaceful and productive talks between leaders of North and South Korea, President Trump declared at an NRA rally in Dallas, TX, that he has an even better plan to bring unity to “the other Koreas”.

“So it looks like Kim called up Moon and told him,” Trump continued in a racist Asian accent complete with his eyes stretched longways, “‘Me want to love you long time, hundred dolla me love you long time, Moon.’”

The crowd, which is best described as ‘Texas Sophisticated’, of course, went wild and celebrated his antics by hooting and hollering and exclaiming loudly various ‘ching’ and ‘chang’ type noises. After about 10-minutes of racist guffaws, Trump was able to continue his speech.

In a Total Dick Move, NRA now says: ‘Arm students to protect themselves’

by William Henneberger

With advocates for stricter gun control making more progress over the last month than in recent history, the National Rifle Association is up in arms. The NRA has doubled down on their hardline policy for no more laws governing the buying or selling of guns to anyone, anywhere, and for any reason, including premeditated murder.

This is in reaction to recent decisions by multiple businesses to deny the purchase of guns to customers under the age of 21 and also to the loss of other NRA corporate partners. In the midst of backlash, NRA officials have decided to forego compromise and move directly to belligerence.

Trump Lowers Taxes on Sex Scandal Payoffs

by William Henneberger

In order to make up for Trump’s widely hated steel tariff debacle, the president has decided to bring down taxes on any monies used to make payoffs to women involved in sexual scandals of any kind.

“Your first three sex scandals are tax-free, people,” Trump gloated at a White House press conference. “This is going to save congress tons of taxpayer dollars.”

A particular provision in this executive order even makes it clear that this tax exemption is ‘per scandal’ not per payoff, meaning that a congressman could theoretically have three separate orgies resulting in numerous payoffs without having to pay any taxes until their fourth orgy.

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