Category Archives: News

First Baby of 2019 May Be God’s First Mistake

by Wil Henneberger

What is usually a joyous event at the beginning of each New Year was marred this January 1st by what can only be described as a haunting, demon-faced, ghoul of a newborn baby. Brenda Denise Garza-Garcia, was born at 3:49 a.m. at Christus Spohn South, becoming the first Corpus Christi baby born in 2019. Sadly she was cursed with the kind of ugly that only evil could produce.

As soon as Baby Brenda was hosed down and handed to her parents, they realized their disappointment and the humane decision was made to raise it but not to form any kind of physical bond with it, in hopes that it might eventually run off into the darkness of the night.

After looking into his daughter’s eyes, her father, who asked not to be named, immediately called for the hospital Chaplin and accepted Jesus Christ as his savior and protector from all things demonic.

First Woman Elected as County Judge Smoking Hot / Vent Writer Fired for Sexist Article

by Wil Henneberger

An unnamed staff writer at The Vent Daily: a monthly publication was let go this week after turning in a blatantly sexist article about her Honor Barbara Canales the newly seated Nueces County Judge.  

Canales was sworn in on January 1st and rather than to take this seriously, the longtime Vent writer decided to go for the obvious and low-hanging angle that, yes, she happens to be gorgeous AF.

This writer could have used their position to expose several aspects of this story that should have been brought to light. For example, the fact that it has been 99 years since women won the right to vote in the U.S. and only now in 2018 did our backwards county see fit to elect a woman to this prestigious post.

Local Democrats Excited About New House

by Wil Henneberger

Corpus Christi residents and proud Democrats Eric and Donnie Triunfo are super excited for 2019 and part of that excitement is due to their new House. Donnie, 21, is about to take his 3rd gap year away from the stresses of Del Mar College’s small appliance repair program and finally move out of his dad’s house. Eric, 18, is following in his brother’s footsteps.   

“This new house is so great,” Eric exclaimed, “it means not having to listen to that crazy old tyrant anymore. It’s a new year and there are a lot of changes planned, bruh!” 

Eric’s father, Presario Triunfo, has been a republican every since he suffered a work-related head injury that caused an IQ drop of 30 points. He now receives a government check and watches Fox News for several hours a day.

CCPD Gears Up for Snoop Dogg Arrest

With December 1st fast approaching and Snoop Dogg’s Puff, Puff, Pass Tour caravan currently on its way to our borders, the Corpus Christi Police Department has been in constant preparation.

According to unnamed sources from within CCPD, Chief of Police Mike Markle has been blasting Meat Loaf’s Bat Out of Hell II album while taking shifts of SWAT Officers through multiple drills and scenarios that might occur once Snoop Dogg and his crew reach the city.

The caravan’s final destination is What-a-burger field where it is said they will attempt to gather thousands of local Generation Xers along with a few dozen Millennials to take their money in order to purchase drugs.

A spokesperson for the Tour told us, “This tour is comprised mostly of parents just trying to earn a living. They will have traveled thousands of miles before arriving and have overcome many hardships along the way.”

Nike Introduces the Kaepernick Shoe Option

In what some have called a controversial marketing decision by one of the world’s leaders in athletic wear, Nike recently named former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick as the face of the 30th-anniversary campaign of the ‘Just Do It’ slogan.

In the latest push to further promote their spokesperson this week, Nike instituted a new shoe option. With every pair of Nike shoes, customers will now have the opportunity to Kaepernick their purchase.

“For a long time,” said Nike CEO Mark Parker, “we have been looking for a new way to increase revenue.” Until now the shoe industry has failed to find our own version of the ‘Super Size’.

Nation in Desperate Need of Weekend at Bernie’s Reboot

It has never been more clear than after the deaths of Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin on August 16th and Senator John McCain nine days later, that the country is subconsciously yearning for a remake of the classic 1989 film, Weekend at Bernie’s.

The first person to publicly mention this trend was some anonymous Internet-rich loser with a film theory YouTube channel. He claimed, “I was putting together a clip-fest that was sure to get at least four-million- 67% views; Top-10 Films In Which A (Non-Vampire) Corpse Has More Than 50% Screen Time. Weekend at B’s part 1 and 2 would surely make up 20% of that list. I had to watch them in their entirety to be sure, and while doing so, I noticed all the similarities between these classics and the crazy adventures people were planning IRL with Aretha and McCain.

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