Category Archives: News

Wake Up and Stop Sucking, Carolyn Vaughn

by William Henneberger

As I work my way through all seven seasons of The West Wing for the fifth or sixth time, I still find myself inspired watching these brilliant characters (birthed from genius writers and tremendous actors) always trying to do the right thing. I usually align my reprise screenings of this particular show with major election cycles since it tends to get me riled up about the state of current state as well as national and local affairs. When I watch The West Wing, I find myself wondering, where are the brilliant characters of my reality, of my state, country and city. The assholes are plainly visible in these systems, but where are the Josh Lymans, and the Sam Seaborns? I’d abandon my children for a real life C.J. Cregg. The only person I know that comes close, did his part for years and is basically retired. If you don’t get what I am talking about, or if you’d like to increase your IQ by a few points, hit me up for my Netflix password and watch this show.

The Mueller 2019 Moontower Report (summarized by Attorney General William Barr)

Moontower Comedy Festival is an obvious witch-hunt, and has been going on for far too long! I won’t let any more time be wasted with Mueller’s longwinded 380 page review of this years line up of comedians. I’m sure that, like our president, we all believe that the liberal media is the enemy of the people and that words are the nemesis of patriotism. Hence, I have greatly condensed Mueller’s Moontower Report, and to the relief of many comedians, determined that no charges will be filled.

First Baby of 2019 May Be God’s First Mistake

by Wil Henneberger

What is usually a joyous event at the beginning of each New Year was marred this January 1st by what can only be described as a haunting, demon-faced, ghoul of a newborn baby. Brenda Denise Garza-Garcia, was born at 3:49 a.m. at Christus Spohn South, becoming the first Corpus Christi baby born in 2019. Sadly she was cursed with the kind of ugly that only evil could produce.

As soon as Baby Brenda was hosed down and handed to her parents, they realized their disappointment and the humane decision was made to raise it but not to form any kind of physical bond with it, in hopes that it might eventually run off into the darkness of the night.

After looking into his daughter’s eyes, her father, who asked not to be named, immediately called for the hospital Chaplin and accepted Jesus Christ as his savior and protector from all things demonic.

First Woman Elected as County Judge Smoking Hot / Vent Writer Fired for Sexist Article

by Wil Henneberger

An unnamed staff writer at The Vent Daily: a monthly publication was let go this week after turning in a blatantly sexist article about her Honor Barbara Canales the newly seated Nueces County Judge.  

Canales was sworn in on January 1st and rather than to take this seriously, the longtime Vent writer decided to go for the obvious and low-hanging angle that, yes, she happens to be gorgeous AF.

This writer could have used their position to expose several aspects of this story that should have been brought to light. For example, the fact that it has been 99 years since women won the right to vote in the U.S. and only now in 2018 did our backwards county see fit to elect a woman to this prestigious post.

Local Democrats Excited About New House

by Wil Henneberger

Corpus Christi residents and proud Democrats Eric and Donnie Triunfo are super excited for 2019 and part of that excitement is due to their new House. Donnie, 21, is about to take his 3rd gap year away from the stresses of Del Mar College’s small appliance repair program and finally move out of his dad’s house. Eric, 18, is following in his brother’s footsteps.   

“This new house is so great,” Eric exclaimed, “it means not having to listen to that crazy old tyrant anymore. It’s a new year and there are a lot of changes planned, bruh!” 

Eric’s father, Presario Triunfo, has been a republican every since he suffered a work-related head injury that caused an IQ drop of 30 points. He now receives a government check and watches Fox News for several hours a day.

CCPD Gears Up for Snoop Dogg Arrest

With December 1st fast approaching and Snoop Dogg’s Puff, Puff, Pass Tour caravan currently on its way to our borders, the Corpus Christi Police Department has been in constant preparation.

According to unnamed sources from within CCPD, Chief of Police Mike Markle has been blasting Meat Loaf’s Bat Out of Hell II album while taking shifts of SWAT Officers through multiple drills and scenarios that might occur once Snoop Dogg and his crew reach the city.

The caravan’s final destination is What-a-burger field where it is said they will attempt to gather thousands of local Generation Xers along with a few dozen Millennials to take their money in order to purchase drugs.

A spokesperson for the Tour told us, “This tour is comprised mostly of parents just trying to earn a living. They will have traveled thousands of miles before arriving and have overcome many hardships along the way.”

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