Category Archives: Guest Editorial

Me the People – I Plead the First: American Assassination

By Anonymous

John F. Kennedy. Abraham Lincoln. William McKinley. James Garfield. You may recognize those names as former presidents of the United States. You may not know that all of them were assassinated. That’s right. All four of them were shot, bringing their presidential runs to an abrupt end. It’s telling that I’m guessing many of you had no idea that McKinley and Garfield were presidents, but that’s beside the point. What is the point is that people knew who they were and decided they needed to die for it.

Of course, Kennedy and Lincoln have gripped the public consciousness since their assassinations. Kennedy was a popular figure shot dead by either a lone gunman with ties to communism and a beef about Cuba or a CIA hit squad for reasons related to repeatedly stabbing Marilyn Monroe, depending on who you ask. Abraham Lincoln was, in the eyes of about half of the country, a man that literally tore the nation apart. John Wilkes Booth put a bullet in his head for that. An anarchist shot McKinley because he represented order. A deluded man thought Garfield owed him a favor (possibly on a Monday because of a missing lasagna) and killed him for it. And those are just the reasons behind the successful assassinations. Let’s look at four more names.

Andrew Jackson. Teddy Roosevelt. Gerald Ford. Ronald Reagan. This is just a small sampling of presidents that have had attempts made on their life. There are more, but in the interest of not just rattling off a list of people, I’ve chosen the most interesting to highlight. What makes them the most interesting, you ask? Well, aside from the fact that they too were all targets of gunmen (an American tradition, ladies and gentlemen), they are polarizing figures. And Gerald Ford is also on the list.

Love – What is it Good For?

by Joshua Espitia
Man, fuck tennis. There. It’s out there now. Fuck. Tennis. Is that the most popular opinion? I don’t know – I know nothing about the relevance of tennis to the everyday American. I know Wimbledon takes over my TV for what feels like a month every summer (although I am constantly informed by the announcers that it is but a mere fortnight) and I have to miss out on… well, nothing. There’s nothing else on in that timeslot except for soaps, the absence of which used to upset my granny to the point of swearing at John McEnroe and throwing peach pits at the television (this is the first Wimbledon she hasn’t been around for and I know she’s grateful for that), and other inane daytime programming. How many judges have their own shows now?
I’m digressing. My point is pre-empted programming is irrelevant to why I’m railing against a sport rife with grunting and fuzzy, bouncy balls. Take away all the terrible TV you want with your vaguely erotic noises and summer sweat and sexy outfits. That’s fine. Just stop making me think about love.

I’m Staying Away From this Whole James Gunn Thing

with Jay Whitecotton
Last night I found myself typing: ‘If James Gunn had just fucked a child ten years ago instead of tweeting jokes about it, he’d be well qualified to direct a Disney film.’ – and had to pause a moment. Not for any concern for backlash or endangering some future career, I don’t have, but to consider why I’m kinda worked up about this stupid blip of a non-news story.
I guess it’s for many reasons. One – I love those Guardians movies. It’s stupid and just films, but I found the idea of flawed characters overcoming their backgrounds to do better was something important and worthwhile. Also – raccoons. I fucking love raccoons. Then there’s the underlying issue of fatherhood. That line “He may have been your father boy, but he wasn’t your daddy!” hits home to me because I didn’t really have either.
The reason I have to back off is because over the past year or two I’ve come to the conclusion that people (and Americans almost exclusively), have


by Korbin Boomer Matthews

Pride is creepin’ back into the Coastal Bend, y’all! Get ready for another year of festivities and fuckery, which although not officially a part of this year’s itinerary are obviously implied and encouraged. But before we belt out Born This Way and burn effigies of Mike Pence, I’d like to ask that you entertain a hypothetical with me that might illuminate not only the reason why millions of people across the globe observe this time of LGBT+ solidarity but most importantly why it’s of the utmost importance that Corpus Christi is a part of that observation. Once you’re done reading this bit you can get back to either despising us vocal queens with a fiery passion or using Pride as an excuse to live out all of your bi-curious fantasies…or both!

Gun Violence: There’s No One Left to Blame

by Joshua Espitia

I’m tired. Jaded, really. On Valentine’s Day, I sat in my classroom – I teach high school English – and watched live with my students as another shooter rampaged through an American school. This time it was in Florida. That was the third major mass shooting I’ve ended up discussing with them since the school year began (The church just outside San Antonio and the Las Vegas concert are the other two – 103 people died between the three incidents. Among the dead were multiple children. Let that sink in.) and the 107th mass shooting of any kind since the school year began1.
Enough is enough.
I shouldn’t need to have these discussions with my students. Or my own children. No parent or teacher should. And yet as long as we live in a culture that values the right to kill over the right to life I will continue to have to have them. And so will you. And your children will talk about it among themselves, too. I know. I’ve watched it happen in my classroom.

All Grown Down: Herpes

by Joshua Espitia
So let’s talk about STD’s, shall we? (Jesus, most people have a little icebreaker or maybe introduce themselves. This guy dives right into cooties.) STD’s terrify me. I’ve thankfully never had one. Or if I did, it didn’t have any symptoms so no harm no foul, am I right? But they’re out there. My health teacher told me so. And they have scary names. And I don’t want one.
You can prevent them. They say condoms do the trick. Unfortunately, I’m allergic to latex. And you’re free to use that as a pick up line. The ladies love that kind of honesty up front. Hey, sexy lady, guess what you’ll be saving 2.50 on later… But that does limit the women I can sleep with. They have to either have a recent clean bill of health (and I am willing to wait the two weeks for results if you’re interested) or have absolutely no regard for their own well-being. But I actually insist that those women have test results. In theory.
But gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis are everywhere. I bet at least all of you have one of them. And nobody talks about

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