Monthly Archives: January 2019

First Baby of 2019 May Be God’s First Mistake

by Wil Henneberger

What is usually a joyous event at the beginning of each New Year was marred this January 1st by what can only be described as a haunting, demon-faced, ghoul of a newborn baby. Brenda Denise Garza-Garcia, was born at 3:49 a.m. at Christus Spohn South, becoming the first Corpus Christi baby born in 2019. Sadly she was cursed with the kind of ugly that only evil could produce.

As soon as Baby Brenda was hosed down and handed to her parents, they realized their disappointment and the humane decision was made to raise it but not to form any kind of physical bond with it, in hopes that it might eventually run off into the darkness of the night.

After looking into his daughter’s eyes, her father, who asked not to be named, immediately called for the hospital Chaplin and accepted Jesus Christ as his savior and protector from all things demonic.

First Woman Elected as County Judge Smoking Hot / Vent Writer Fired for Sexist Article

by Wil Henneberger

An unnamed staff writer at The Vent Daily: a monthly publication was let go this week after turning in a blatantly sexist article about her Honor Barbara Canales the newly seated Nueces County Judge.  

Canales was sworn in on January 1st and rather than to take this seriously, the longtime Vent writer decided to go for the obvious and low-hanging angle that, yes, she happens to be gorgeous AF.

This writer could have used their position to expose several aspects of this story that should have been brought to light. For example, the fact that it has been 99 years since women won the right to vote in the U.S. and only now in 2018 did our backwards county see fit to elect a woman to this prestigious post.

Scabby Rocks! (Jan 2019)

I know you kids out there are used to Old Scabby parsing all your sexual quandaries but seeing as my old penis pocket is out of commission, I haven’t been feeling very sensual. I’m finding out the hard way that when you suppress your periods for years with homemade drug cocktails they all come out at once. Seems that I may be doomed to bleed for the rest of my days. Of course, my editor isn’t going to let me sit around and do nothing so here I am again with this month’s music column.

Let’s start with our old friends Reel Big Fish. Now I know that you are all waiting for me to make some kind of joke about my, you know what and the smell of fish, but I’m not going to do it. Besides, the few times I ever smelled like fish, it was because I fell off a booze cruise and washed up on the dirty-ass Corpus Christi bay front during red tide. Speaking of red tide, I’m going through a pad a minute over here.

Local Democrats Excited About New House

by Wil Henneberger

Corpus Christi residents and proud Democrats Eric and Donnie Triunfo are super excited for 2019 and part of that excitement is due to their new House. Donnie, 21, is about to take his 3rd gap year away from the stresses of Del Mar College’s small appliance repair program and finally move out of his dad’s house. Eric, 18, is following in his brother’s footsteps.   

“This new house is so great,” Eric exclaimed, “it means not having to listen to that crazy old tyrant anymore. It’s a new year and there are a lot of changes planned, bruh!” 

Eric’s father, Presario Triunfo, has been a republican every since he suffered a work-related head injury that caused an IQ drop of 30 points. He now receives a government check and watches Fox News for several hours a day.

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