Monthly Archives: November 2018

CCPD Gears Up for Snoop Dogg Arrest

With December 1st fast approaching and Snoop Dogg’s Puff, Puff, Pass Tour caravan currently on its way to our borders, the Corpus Christi Police Department has been in constant preparation.

According to unnamed sources from within CCPD, Chief of Police Mike Markle has been blasting Meat Loaf’s Bat Out of Hell II album while taking shifts of SWAT Officers through multiple drills and scenarios that might occur once Snoop Dogg and his crew reach the city.

The caravan’s final destination is What-a-burger field where it is said they will attempt to gather thousands of local Generation Xers along with a few dozen Millennials to take their money in order to purchase drugs.

A spokesperson for the Tour told us, “This tour is comprised mostly of parents just trying to earn a living. They will have traveled thousands of miles before arriving and have overcome many hardships along the way.”

Dear Scabby (Nov. 2018)

Dear Scabby,
How are you handling the Beto loss?
Danny the Democrat

Hmm… Danny the D, it is mighty presumptuous to assume that I was ever a Beto supporter in the first place. Do you know nothing about me, you darling little progressive cuck? Just who do you think the lizard people call when they need someone who can service a whole lounge. They need a girl who can keep her mouth closed during off hours and open every other time. They need someone like me who has seen and swallowed it all, someone in front of whom they can take off the flesh suits and just be their lizardly selves. Remember, I am in the service industry, honey, and that means I have to do my part to keep the sexually repressed hooker hiring party in office and in front of those cameras so they are forced to sneak around when they need those slimy little lizard logs worked on.

Me the People – I Plead the First: American Assassination

By Anonymous

John F. Kennedy. Abraham Lincoln. William McKinley. James Garfield. You may recognize those names as former presidents of the United States. You may not know that all of them were assassinated. That’s right. All four of them were shot, bringing their presidential runs to an abrupt end. It’s telling that I’m guessing many of you had no idea that McKinley and Garfield were presidents, but that’s beside the point. What is the point is that people knew who they were and decided they needed to die for it.

Of course, Kennedy and Lincoln have gripped the public consciousness since their assassinations. Kennedy was a popular figure shot dead by either a lone gunman with ties to communism and a beef about Cuba or a CIA hit squad for reasons related to repeatedly stabbing Marilyn Monroe, depending on who you ask. Abraham Lincoln was, in the eyes of about half of the country, a man that literally tore the nation apart. John Wilkes Booth put a bullet in his head for that. An anarchist shot McKinley because he represented order. A deluded man thought Garfield owed him a favor (possibly on a Monday because of a missing lasagna) and killed him for it. And those are just the reasons behind the successful assassinations. Let’s look at four more names.

Andrew Jackson. Teddy Roosevelt. Gerald Ford. Ronald Reagan. This is just a small sampling of presidents that have had attempts made on their life. There are more, but in the interest of not just rattling off a list of people, I’ve chosen the most interesting to highlight. What makes them the most interesting, you ask? Well, aside from the fact that they too were all targets of gunmen (an American tradition, ladies and gentlemen), they are polarizing figures. And Gerald Ford is also on the list.

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