Monthly Archives: September 2018

Nike Introduces the Kaepernick Shoe Option

In what some have called a controversial marketing decision by one of the world’s leaders in athletic wear, Nike recently named former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick as the face of the 30th-anniversary campaign of the ‘Just Do It’ slogan.

In the latest push to further promote their spokesperson this week, Nike instituted a new shoe option. With every pair of Nike shoes, customers will now have the opportunity to Kaepernick their purchase.

“For a long time,” said Nike CEO Mark Parker, “we have been looking for a new way to increase revenue.” Until now the shoe industry has failed to find our own version of the ‘Super Size’.

Nation in Desperate Need of Weekend at Bernie’s Reboot

It has never been more clear than after the deaths of Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin on August 16th and Senator John McCain nine days later, that the country is subconsciously yearning for a remake of the classic 1989 film, Weekend at Bernie’s.

The first person to publicly mention this trend was some anonymous Internet-rich loser with a film theory YouTube channel. He claimed, “I was putting together a clip-fest that was sure to get at least four-million- 67% views; Top-10 Films In Which A (Non-Vampire) Corpse Has More Than 50% Screen Time. Weekend at B’s part 1 and 2 would surely make up 20% of that list. I had to watch them in their entirety to be sure, and while doing so, I noticed all the similarities between these classics and the crazy adventures people were planning IRL with Aretha and McCain.

Low Classifieds

Looking for somebody to mow my lawn ASAP. Prefer someone willing to trade for advertising. Is there anyone out there mowing lawns in August who isn’t desperate for immediate cash and can appreciate the value of some old school marketing.


Starting a Book club! Sorry, this is only for hot girls that like fat dudes. We will be meeting every other Thursday at 11 pm. Literacy not required. Email Wil for more info


Looking for musicians to start an all-asthmatic Weezer cover band. Meet for practice Saturday at 4 pm at Arnold’s diner – have eaten. Just don’t bring too many dudes.

Otra Wake up…

Corpus Christinos… September means it is time for the first ever, cleverly named OtraFest presented by House of Rock! Otra – Spanish for ‘another’. AnotherFest! Very clever indeed. Three days of national, regional and local bands on the friendliest pair of stages in one of the easiest going bars/venues in Corpus Christi. Sure, I’ve been talking about starting my South by South South festival here for years, but the fine people at House of Rock actually did the work. And while these days I hardly even leave my house, I still greatly support any and all efforts made to bring something new and fun to our small-town-city.

Letters to the Ed

Dear Lily’s Dad,
I heard you caught that cold I sent home for you via your daughter. Happy back to school season, you old bastard. Sure, we’ve never met and you’ve never even heard of me, but now we are connected virally. Parts of my germ cocktail are all up inside you! How do you like that mother***a! All summer long I didn’t wash my hands once! And if you’re wondering if I ever took a bath – well you better stop, you pedo! With any luck, I timed it just right so that you would have to push your print date back as far as you could in the week and probably completely forget about any other projects like that whack-ass Young Adult novel you’ve been working on for two years. To me, it’s particularly funny how this cold hit you the worst ’cause you’re always home. Your week-ass immune system never had a chance, fool. Yeah, I know stuff.
Go Hawks!
Dirty Donnie

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