Monthly Archives: February 2016

CCPD Names New Chef of Police

Mike ‘Mayonnaise’ Markle was sworn in as the new Police Chef Friday. Last year, Mike ‘Mayo’ served as interim Chef after the city lost its pervious Chef Floyd ‘Shrimpson’ Simpson in a tragic off-duty accident.
Chef Shrimpson was famously known for the many ways in which he could prepare shrimp-themed meals. There was Shrimp-Cocktail, Shrimp-Kabobs, Fried Shrimp, Grilled Shrimp, Shrimp Scampi, Shrimp Gumbo, etc.
Recently Chef Mayo went up against several other candidates including Gordon Ramsey and that guy who gained a lot of weight and always says, “Baam!” when he adds pepper to an entre. City officials were not impressed with these gimmicks or with Ramsey’s vulgarities. Since last time they chose a Chef of color, “white-guilt” was not a deciding factor leaving only Mike Markle as a considerable applicant.

City Council Struggles to Replace The ‘Hot’ One

Corpus Christi’s minor governing authority has taken much flak over the manner in which they have decided to fill an open At-large position on the Council. The spot is available after Councilwoman Lillian Riojas accepted a promotion with her company’s corporate offices in San Antonio.
For several years now Riojas has enjoyed her run as the hottest member of the City Council in recent history. She has done more than her part in rekindling young people’s interest in local government. This is especially true for boys 13-17. While Riojas’ most swelling appeal is with pubescent non-voters, data shows that when she is present at City Council meetings attendance numbers rise from 5 to 7 inches.
“It’s quite impressive,” says City Manager Ron Olson, “When the hot one, I mean Councilwoman HotOne is expressing her educated and sexy informed opinions all over our live streaming webcams our unique views skyrocket. The time she wore that low-cut blue number and kept dropping her pen, it actually crashed our servers.”
The Council has been widely criticized by the local media for the secretive way they are going about filling the Riojas gap. Many believe the group does not have the community’s interest in mind when it comes to finding at least a solid “8” to properly replace the gorgeous governess.

Academy Offers Blackface Solution

The upcoming 88th Annual Academy Awards have seen much controversy this year. After the 20 acting nominations went to only white actors several of Hollywood’s elite including Will Smith and Spike Lee have decided not to attend the event.
When Avery Whiteman, the President of the Academy, heard about this response he immediately began a campaign of damage control. Whiteman held meetings and surveyed all of the Academy’s 6,000 members, most of which have been on the roster since the first Best Picture Oscar was awarded to Wings.
“Sure we’re a mature bunch,” said Gerald Molen, a 95 year old voting member of the Academy, “but we’ve got nothing against the Negros. It’s a new Hollywood, open to all kinds of border jumpers. We want to do whatever we can do to make Kunta Kinte and his wife Jada feel right at home, even if it means cutting off the air-conditioning for a while.”
Upon conducting numerous

Wake Up & Be Racist and Sexist and a Politician

When I told my borderline-millennial son about this issue’s blackface story, I thought he would get a kick out of it. To my surprise he was offended by the idea of an Oscar statue wearing the, for lack of a better vocabulary, controversial makeup. At first he even dramatically threatened to never speak to me again.
Maybe this means his mother and I raised a better-rounded human then ourselves or perhaps my boy just needs a refresher-course on the uglier points of satire. Seeing as plenty of you readers will no doubt be disgusted by this month’s articles as well, let’s tackle this concern now, hopefully before you have read the following pages.
Over the past nine years there have been so many calls to the Vent Hotline (361-549-6213), during which I’ve had to explain that; “No, a half-dozen children did not really die in an accident involving those shoes with wheels,” or, “Sorry, you can’t speak to Scabby because, I, a 35-year-old fat man, am Scabby.”
I’m not here to

All Grown Down: Okinawa

by Mike Skinner
I’m guessing that this was the last week of November, 1998. It was just after my 22nd birthday. The 28th or 29th of the month, give or take. I was allowed the greatest free pass ever. The United States government decided that it would pay me to go to the complete other side of the world and live in a ridiculously free environment…on a tropical island. Right? I mean, c’mon.
Shit, that sounds awesome. Doesn’t that sound awesome? Do you remember yourself at your 22nd birthday? A free vacation to Japan for a year, all expenses paid? Idealistically, this seems like a dream scenario for most people, right? It really should have been, but I played it all wrong. Most of us did.
We were a young and stupid lot. Just bags of rocks with strong legs and backs and we wore our pretend badges with great pride, even though everyone knew that they really meant nothing. We were tasked to corral our brothers and sisters with a stiff, yet subtle arm and to remember who buttered our side of the bread. It was then, as I’m sure it is now, a fair trade. Perhaps there is honor amongst

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