Monthly Archives: July 2014

Customers Pull Out of Hobby Lobby

by Wil Henneberger

Earlier this week, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled in favor of Hobby Lobby in a controversial case regarding employer provided birth control benefits. As this news spread through the aisles of the local Hobby Lobby, shoppers were nearly overcome with disappointment and decided to pull out before they finished.
One former patron of the craft store said, “Oh my god! I was so close to finishing! It felt so good! I was about to come and throw my load right there in front of that angry cashier, but I knew if I did I would have to pay for it, and with this court ruling, I no longer want anything of mine going into that dark disgusting place.”
At the time of the ruling the store had taken in about 30 customers at once,

Dear Wil Vent,

For decades now I have always wondered why nothing ever happened between us. In 1993 we were at the same junior high school, sure I was your Biology teacher, but we shared that special moment. We walked in the schoolyard and talked about why you weren’t doing your work, I told you that I knew how smart you were, and I told you I was going through a divorce. We both cried a little and then shared that long hug. Didn’t you realize that was when you were supposed to kiss me? In hindsight, maybe I should have made the first move, seeing as I was 20 years your senior. Well, I’m in my 50’s now… wanna bang?

Sincerely Mrs. Robinson

Dear Vent,

As governor of the state where you operate this sorry excuse for a magazine, I have to demand that you to cease and desit the publicification of this rag. You are obviously on the liberal side in a town that I know personally doesn’t care for that sort of thing. Frankly, I am surprised you have stayed in business this long. This magazine is a sort of like alcoholism, sure you might be inclined to write the things that pop into your mind, but that doesn’t mean you have to… I told the gays the same thing, but to be honest, I’d rather watch two hairy men from Austin banging each other raw than read the incoherent things that come out of that demented organ you call a brain.

Uncle Rick

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