Monthly Archives: December 2013

Local Police Chief Speaks Out Against Drivesturbation

by William Henneberger

Corpus Christi, Tx – With the recent citywide ordinance banning the use of cell phones while driving, police are noticing an increase in other dangerous activities taking place on city streets.

Police Chief Simpson spoke to reporters at the scene of the latest fatal car accident syaing, “Now that drivers are forced to use hands-free devices to operate their phones they are engaging in what we call… Drivesturbation.”

After Blackfish Film Texas State Aquarium Announces: WHITES ONLY

by William Henneberger

Corpus Christi, TX – After CNN’s airing of the controversial new documentary Blackfish, area citizens have been more than concerned regarding local practices at The Texas State Aquarium (TSA).

Blackfish exposes the violent behavior of Killer Whales forced to live in captivity in parks such as SeaWorld, and now a growing number of Corpus Christinos are worried that similar attacks might take place closer to home.

The message coming from TSA staff members so far is… “No need to worry, when it comes to fish, the Texas State Aquarium is Whites Only”

Tom Schmid President and CEO of The Texas State Aquarium released a written statement to the press on Monday, which read, “While The Texas State Aquarium is a wonderful place where people can see and learn about many types of fish, we have always been adamant in our exclusion of the black ones. We are well aware of their propensity for violence and the general inferiority of that species.”

Local Teen’ s Long Shower Threatens Lake Levels

by William Henneberger

Corpus Christi, TX – Officials have scheduled yet another emergency meeting to discuss the impact of one local teens attack on the city’s water supply.

The Corpus Christi Water Department has indicated that data gathered over the past four weeks shows that the bathing patterns of 15-year-old Ray High School student, Ben Davidson have put the entire community’s water supply at risk.

The discovery of the source of this massive water waste took over 200 man-hours along with multiple resources in three different counties.

Cosby / Maher – Two Bills You Won’t Mind Paying

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by Kat McCloud
Corpus Christi, Tx – American Bank Center – Jan & Feb 2014
After the horror that was “Black Friday,” the death of everyone’s beloved tv dog, the sparkly eyed departure of the beautiful Paul Walker, and the upcoming Christmas Holidays that will surely plunge us all into both a deep existential nightmare and even deeper in personal debt, a good cheer-up sesh should most certainly be in order. If anything, perhaps you know someone who needs cheering up come the New Year, or cannot for the life of you think of what the hell to get your semi-conservative parents that only laugh at “The Big Bang Theory”, and consider Southpark “offensive,” for Christmas!?

DTM Obit: Paul Walker / Nelson Mandela

paul-walker-hair-styles-19
1990 South Africa
[Editors Note: Because of Mandela passing so close to our print deadline, we were forced to write a shared obituary. We are so, so sorry.]

Paul Walker 1918-2013
Nelson Mandela 1973-2013

While the world is sad and okay with seeing you go. We are comforted in knowing that you are taking the glorious or horrific journey to Heaven or Hell. You caused us so much pain and joy and touched countless lives with your wise and idiotic words.
Most of us will never forget where we were when we first heard about your anticipated release. To see those images on the screen was a truly profound and vomit inducing sight.
Society did come to love you for a time and we were all gladly awaiting your unreleased masterpiece and flop staring great and terrible actors Idris Elba and Vin Diesel. We will and will not really miss you. Goodbye and good riddance.

Dear Santa,

Hey Santa baby,
I want the same thing I ask for every year and never seem to get… Dignity. I haven’t giving up on you Santa, I’m a true believer. Maybe I’m naïve or perhaps I am just stuck in a state of arrested development from the trauma of the first time I was turned out on the street. Oh listen to me whining like its my first time taking it up the chimney. I’ve been a really good girl this year, I’ve been giving out free hand jobs to those in need and I am leaving my cookie out for you… you bring the milk.
Scabby, 67 going on 11

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