Monthly Archives: March 2013

SXSW VIP’s RIP

By Javi Luna

With tens of thousands of people flooding Austin, TX for the annual South By Southwest Music, Film, and Interactive Conference and Festival and hotels booked for a year in advance there is no shortage of people looking for a place to crash. However, usually it’s not through a barricade killing two people and injuring 23 others while running from the police. But that’s what happened in the early morning hours of March 13, 2014 when Rashad Charjuan Owens evaded police and plowed down the crowded Red River Street in Austin striking and killing a man from the Netherlands on a bicycle and an Austin woman on a moped scooter while trying to avoid being pulled over from a DUI patrol unit.

There were several bystanders to the incident one was 21-year-old Emmet Hines, who

Wake Up and Dance

Corpus Christi, TX
by Will Vent
I DON’T DANCE. Weeeeeelll actually… YOU will never see me dance. My 6-year-old daughter and my Jesus are the only ones who will ever witness me dancing. I never really learned how to munch a rug… wait, I mean cut a rug… or both. Sure, there might be a picture of me somewhere in mid-Cumbia, and at the very least, a dozen women out there are scarred from my 9th grade slow dance molestations, but I’m talking about really dancing. I would love to be able to dance like JT or JB or CB… you know Carlton Banks. Yes, I would even settle for some Carlton moves.

Local News Anchor Arrested in Knock-Off Diaper Bag Scandal

Homeland Security agents arrested local news personality Katia Uriarte along with her 2 month old baby last Tuesday on suspicion of selling fake designer Diaper bags.

Katia has publicly denied all charges against her and her child in a statement released this morning declaring, “It is irresponsible for the media to vilify me and my son, simply because I am well known in the community. There are very little facts known in regard to this case and there is no excuse for the damage the media is doing to our personal lives.”

The arrests came after a yearlong investigation involving new field technology, including uterus taps, sonogram surveillance and vagina-bugs.

One ICE agency report stated that Katia’s vagina had so many bugs in it, it was a wonder the cover was not blown.

“Thanks to them bugs we knew this fetus was up to no good the minute it was conceived,” said agent Wendt. “Coincidentally, we were there to witness the conception… for unrelated reasons not pertinent to this case.”

While most of the community has taken to Facebook to voice their outrage against what they believe to be a waste of government funds and time that could be spent perusing more serious crimes, Internet troll Kay Santini voiced her opinion online with profound statements such as “The law is the law!” and “If you can’t do the time then don’t…wait, what kind of bags? For how much? And they look exactly like the real ones? I’ll take two!”

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At the time of the arrests officers from several agencies searched the Uriarte home and ceased several diaper carriers designed to look like Louis Vuitton bags.

“We don’t get to break out the baby handcuffs very often,” Wendt continued, “which is a shame, cause they are just the cutest little handcuffs you ever did see.”

The mother and child were detained and questioned for 16 hours during which, a source says, one of the suspects broke down into tears over and over, drooling and vomiting all over themselves in a wretched display.

The baby on the other hand was clam throughout the entire process, exercising his right to remain silent.

News Anchor Births Low Ratings Baby

In what has become an all to familiar story, KRIS, the low-rated local news station, has bumbled yet another attempt to make waves in the Corpus Christi media market.

This time the failure comes at a high price, putting their anchor, Jennifer Lira, out of commission and off the air for at least 3 months.

In an attempt to compete with the KIII sponsored pregnancy of Katia Uriarte, as well as the birth of her offspring, KRIS impregnated their anchor who has also now given birth to one of the lowest rated babies in television history.

Jennifer Lira, who has always been seen as a team player released the following statement: “As I look into the eyes of this lovely thing, I know now that my purpose in life is to do whatever it takes… to move mountains if necessary, even brutalize my body in order to entice 13-18 year old female viewers, and the best way to do that was to relate to them directly with this pregnancy.”

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Originally the station had planned for a May sweeps delivery, but after Katia gave birth, the decision was made to induce at the next possible date.

“While, Baby Lira did win his time slot, the over all ratings were very disappointing,” explained Barbara Beresford, Director of News Brands and Marketing at KRIS. “Baby Katia scored off the charts in all the key demos, rating an 85% share in females 24-35… That is simply unheard of in the baby ratings industry.”

“In hindsight, we should not have lead with the story,” Beresford continued. “We may have increased viewership by 20% if we had hammocked it between Weather and Sports.”

The total cost of this sweeps debacle came to over $47,000 in medical bills, including everything from delivery costs, to a hefty regimen of vaginal rejuvenation.

While Katia has remained silent on the matter of this rival infant, Joe Gazin was overheard saying that “…they wouldn’t beat us out in the ratings even if Jennifer Lira ate her own baby live at 10pm at a high school football game…”

The KZTV station owner told sources that, while such an act has not yet been discussed with Lira, they are willing to do whatever is needed in order to hike up the price of commercial spots even a few pennies.

 

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