Monthly Archives: December 2012

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

I’m so confused about what I would like under my tree this December. I guess if you put a gun to my head I would have to ask for a nice new vest, maybe something with some weight to it, lined with C4. NO WAIT! Forget that, can you just bring me a new shirt, one of those American flag shirts. Yeah, that would be great. Then again, my prayer mat is getting pretty worn out, we Muslims have to pray a lot you know. Do you make prayer mats Santa? You know what, can you just send me an iPad mini.

Nicholas Brody

Dear Jesus,

Dear Jesus,

First let me say happy birthday. Secondly, if you see Santa can you tell him I would like a Justin Bieber Doll, the one that sings the same two lines over and over. He is my absolute idol! I worship him soooo much. I can’t think of anyone who has given me so much happiness, or given so much to the world. I mean really he is like the greatest person to ever walk this earth. Also, tell him to bring me a Justin Bieber full size cardboard cut-out… he is so awesome. Before I heard him sing, I felt like life wasn’t even worth living, but I heard his words and I was saved. It’s like he is my personal savior.  Anyway, Justin’s birthday is March 1st, incase you want to get him something.

Merry Bieber-Mas,

Susan, 37 years old

Dear Santa

Attn. North Pole

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to inform you that I am sickened by the corporate culture that you and your “Christmas” Holiday have forced upon children. Are you aware that while you are delivering gifts, right under Rudolf’s red nose, children in Africa are being forced to slaughter their own families on behalf of ruthless militant leaders… Is there an action figure set for that, Santa? Or how about the South American children who don’t have clean water to drink.  This year Santa, I want you to deal with these issues immediately! That is all I want this year. Buuuuuuut, if you can’t do this, then I will take a 14 foot trampoline instead.

Jennifer, 6 years old

Scabby on Winter.

It’s another sunny December in Corpus Christi, and the girls and I are out in full swing. It’s easy to take for granted the almost year-round prostitution weather we get here in South Texas. In some part of the country, we ladies of the night have to suffer through long freezing winters. Believe me, you do not want fellatio from a girl whose teeth are chattering from the cold.

Still, we do get the occasional drop in temperature, and it’s important to keep warm when you’re on the street between Johns.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

My name is Sara and I am 6 years old. I have lots of toys so this year I’m not asking for anything for me. I just want one present for my mommy. I don’t know what it is but she really wants it. I think its called a DERVORSE. She is always yelling at daddy about how she wants one and she wants it now. And it makes her really mad that she doesn’t have one yet. I think I will be so happy for my mommy to finally get a dervorse then maybe everything will be okay for all of us.

Thanks Santa


Group Works to Ban Plastic Bags and Minorities From Beach

Citizens throughout Corpus Christi have gathered recently in a remarkable effort to keep area beaches clean. The charge was originally started by local environmentalists, but has recently been overtaken by retired conservative radio personality and Tea Party advocate, Eric von Wade.

The group has since introduced the Beach Purity Act before city council, which stresses the benefits of a coastline free off plastic bags and brown people. The statute has been supported by everyone from the local chapter of the KKK, to Corpus Christi’s vast population of generally racist old people.

In a statement read before the council von Wade said, “We believe the beach should be a safe and clean environment where people aren’t forced to see disgusting Wal-Mart bags or HEB bags, or black people, or Family Dollar bags, or Family Dollar customers.” He continued, “A beach ban is just the first step toward a city-wide ban of these ugly, stupid pieces of worthless trash as well as the plastic bags.”

While several minority leaders have protested the statute, others in the community have been lackluster in their opposition to the plan, stating that,  “While [they] are vehemently against any kind of discrimination… they wouldn’t mind seeing the beaches a little cleaner.”

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