Monthly Archives: September 2012

42 Dead From Hurricane Fever

Authorities across the Coastal Bend are investigating dozens of deaths over the past several weeks and their relation to a Hurricane Fever outbreak in the area.

 

Experts say that these outbreaks are due to the repeated attention given to insignificant storms that have absolutely no chance of coming near the Gulf of Mexico, but it can also be caused by exaggerating in regards to storms that do actually enter the Gulf.

 

This outbreak is believed to have started in the television studio of the local ABC affiliate, and has been traced to one sick individual know as Meteorologist Alan Holt.

 

“It started about a month ago,” says one unnamed investigator, “when Holt began giving credence to ev-er-y sing-le f***-ing storm system in the f***ing Atlantic Ocean. He was going overboard. At one point he spent 65% of his forecast talking about a storm off the coast of Africa.”

 

While in the past Hurricane Fever has been deemed harmless, this year it has been the cause of more deaths than Cabin Fever, Jungle Fever and Bieber Fever combined. In Corpus Christ alone 42 deaths have been reported.

 

The first of which came in early August when, after viewing the 10pm KIII weather report, Daniel Mitchell killed his entire family, then himself.

 

Mitchell left a note explaining that, “he would rather his family be dead by [his] hands then deal with the risk that any of 12 storms in the Atlantic Ocean, might develop into a Hurricane which might have a chance, to maybe, eventually hit Corpus Christi, possibly causing innumerable deaths and unthinkable destruction”.

 

Area schoolteacher Diane Tennant was shot and killed at a Home Depot over 10 sheets of plywood. Her killer, local resident John Cantu, 32, then collapsed and was subsequently crushed outside of the store while trying to abscond with the plywood on his back.

 

Sources say, the recent addition to the local weather team, feel through the pre-interview cracks, due to an exceptional demo reel and a second cousin in administration. Still, the station has stood by there on-air personality, claiming this outbreak was unintentional, though many citizens disagree.

 

“It’s obvious, that creepy little guy had this planned all along,” said Danielle Escobedo, teenage mother of 4, “I can’t believe Joe and Katia would stand for this.”

 

No word yet on the development of a Hurricane Fever cure. Experts say the best defense is to take preventative measures and at all costs, avoid watching local news.

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