Monthly Archives: April 2012

Area Room Hit By Tornado

Just weeks after the tragedy in North Texas, in which hundreds of homes were destroyed and millions of dollars in damages incurred, a local family has suffered a similar fate.

After waking up late Saturday morning Anthony Gonzales, 31, father of two, was horrified to discover that his 5-year-old daughters room had been destroyed.

“I woke up to the sounds of my daughter playing amidst the rubble,” said Anthony, “she was so sweet, it was like she didn’t know what had happened. I can only assume God spared her by allowing her to sleep through the whole ordeal.”

Considering the degree of damage that would be considered nothing short of a miracle. Reports have indicated that there are cereal crumbs all over the floor and more than half a dozen unfinished cups of juice and milk under the bed. In some of the more gruesome areas animals have been impaled by pencils. What must have once been a horse has been reduced to only a head on a stick… and shoes…there are shoes everywhere.

When Lillian Gonzales was questioned about the destruction in her room, she simply said, “It wasn’t me”. Leaving no other explanation for the mess besides an act of God.

Several experts, including local Meteorologist Dale Nelson, have examined the scene and declared this incident to be truly remarkable. The consensus among these men of science, is that this is simply too big of a mess to be caused by one little girl, no matter how uncivilized, depraved or wicked she might be.

Luckily, in what can only be attributed to randomness, all of the other rooms in the house were left untouched.

“You just never can tell where these twisters will go,” explained Nelson, “one room can be turned into any parents nightmare, and within seconds the funnel cloud can up and disappear.”

When probed further about her room, Lillian returned our questioning with a dirty look declaring, “I’m not spose to tawk to stwangers, NOW GET OUT!”

Governor Rick Perry has surveyed the damages and declared a state of emergency, and in a touching gesture offered Lillian his personal Barney Doll.

Wake Up and… Apologize

Corpus Christ, Tx
I’ve learned a lot about apologizing over 14 years of marriage. I’ve also learned a lot about forgiveness. The most important lesson being that the two things have very little to do with each other.

I have forgiven a certain male sibling who will probably die (or maybe just grow up a bit more) before he says he is sorry, and I have also denied the apologies of a certain person, who’s testicles I came from, and who cussed me out over the Christmas holiday.  It goes both ways.

SXSW: Comedy, Film, Music, Education, and….Bill Murray? by Kat McCloud

South By Southwest was a doozy this year to say the LEAST.

As we say every year, the infamous Austin-based festivities were bigger than those before, with the extension of SXSW Edu being unveiled to the masses. SXSW Edu took place during the interactive portion of the festival, which began on March 9th, and concluding respectively on the 13th. The education portion of the whole operation came as a nice surprise to many badgeholders, with a focus on maintaining a certain level of professionalism and desire to help innovate int he feild of learning. With panels titled ”

21st Century Learning in the K-12 Environment”, “Animate This: Animoto and Audacity,” and “Letting Students Tell You How To Make Your School Better with My Voice,” the SXSWedu addition was….educational?

What can I say? It’s odd to think that next year, there is talk about a SXSWeco being brought to the table. Since when did rick and roll music festival’s become all about education, technology, and recycling? When did it all go so….green? Well, let’s not forget it is Austin, and south by has never been shy about trying new things.

It’s true, at one point in time, SXSW didn’t even have comedy! In fact, within the past five years, the festival has been to garner demand and steam for alternative comedic acts, beginning with early showcomers like Janeane Garafalo, Kristen Schaal, Marc Maron, and the always fashionably stoned but loveable, Doug Benson. It seems as though every time the festival adds on an extension, there is a struggle, and that is no different with comedy. Last years debacle began when SXSW comedy booker and mastermind Charlie Sotelo caught flack for a lack of “female talent”, which was later uncovered to be a scorned comedian that had caught wind through websites like Jezebel and Huffington Post, choosing to angrily blog out her frustrations. Within a few days, the catastrophe had blown over, as it was made quite clear that the lack of female talent had nothing to do with an anti-feminist agenda, but more on the fact that simultaneously occuring was the Boston Women in Comedy festival, an talent pool that was jam packed with talent that mistakingly canceled or double booked. This year was no different, with comedian Duncan Trussel publicly scorning SXSW comedy through youtube video of Hitler, close-captioned lamenting about compensation, a pr nightmare that breezed by quickly. After all, if SXSW comedy proves anything, it’s that it can take a joke. That’s why this years lineup was no less brilliant, featuring the likes of Reggie Watts, Cody Hustak, Aparna Nancharla, Howard Kremer, Kristine Levine, Marc Maron, Brendan Walsh, Beavis and Butthead writer Chip Pope, and killer sets from Mike Birbiglia and Todd Berry.

On the subject of Mike Birbiglia, his new movie, Sleepwalk With Me, recieved rave reviews throughout both the comedy and Film portions of the festival. Since he began his comedy career, Birbiglia has suffered from behavioral sleep patterns that cause him to sleepwalk, and at times have caused violent scares that include jumping out of a two story window while mid-slumber. The movie is the tale of Birbiglia’s journey both comedically and emotionally with his fiance, but internally while he sleeps. Although Sleepwalk With Me was a lovely forray into great cinema, many a film geek left the film portions dissapointed that they had not made eye contact, yet alone got a glimpse of Bill Murray or Ryan Gosling, two festival favorites with Tumblrs dedicated specifically to tracking their SXSW whereabouts throughout the fest.

Oh, and lets not forget the free parties, which were made so much sweeter by the announcement that the guys from Workaholics were back again this year, and this time, it was to throw and epic house party. Combine this with surprise performances that bordered on “epic” and were relatively all completely FREE.

This years best performances could be narrowed down to the thousands, but instead I can only let the reader know what has mind-blowing capabilities. For starters, PeeLander-Z, the Japanese three piece, teletubby-like, beer drinking, taco eating, punk rockers, were literally EVERYWHERE. It seemed that just about every flyer stuffed them in my face, and for good reason….THEY RULE!!! Imagine Gwar meets NOFX, meets songs about tacos and the ferocity of GG Allin. Other incredible performances included some afternoon concerts at Auditorium shows like Austin-based rockers, (coming soon to Corpus), Bright Light Social Hour, and a legendary dusk performance by the Counting Crows. Again, all free. Yellow Ostrich, the all-vocal, pedal master himself performed at the Bat Bar the fourth night, while Kreayshawn tore it up at Scoot Inn on night five.

Of course, no SXSW would be complete without a tragedy and a ridiculous celebrity appearance. This years celebrity appearance goes to Bruce Springsteen, whose presence was felt all over the city, as folks strutted drunk to their cars screaming out the words to Atlantic City, yelling nuggets out to mother sky, “WHO’S the BOSS?!?!? BRUCE IS THE BOSSSSS! I’m DRUUUUUUUNK!!!!”

Unfortunately, the tragedy began the day before the festival, as it was announced that Austin’s own local icon, Leslie Cochran, had passed away due to injuries sustained from brain surgeries. Cochran, known to Austinites by his first name “Leslie”, was a sort of mascot for the city, in addition to being a cross-dressing, homeless-by-choice, do-gooder, that once ran for mayor of the city, pulling off impressing voter numbers, although obviously not winning. Yes, this years festival was lacking in Leslie, but his presence, much like Bruce Springsteens, was felt everywhere…on the benches, adorning the walls in the most magnificant grafitti art, and wafting through the air, over the sounds of music, comedy, and drunks…all coming together for a week out of the year. It was Southby, and it was exactly how Leslie would have wanted it. RIP.

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