Monthly Archives: July 2007

Area Virgin Holds Out for Area Slut

Nathan Anderson, 16, of Corpus Christ is proud to declare that he is and for the time being, will remain a virgin. He isn’t however holding out for marriage, as many young people claim to do. Anderson is waiting for one very special, very promiscuous young lady named Janet Garza. Nathan first met Janet at a local RTA stop waiting for the #29 on a Saturday. As they waited for what seemed like several hours for the bus to arrive, they began to hit it off.

“She seemed like the perfect girl for me,” proclaimed Nathan, “I’m not gonna let just any wanna-be skank take my virginity, I want it to be memorable… I want it to be with someone who can do tricks.”

As they continued to converse, Nathan eventually let Janet know that he had never… ‘parked the beef bus in tuna town’. This immediately peaked Janet’s interest. Nathan explained that his longtime girlfriend Chelsea was more than willing, but that he had no plans of settling for someone who didn’t know their way around his Davy Cockett.

Without hesitation, Janet agreed that she would gladly teach Nathan to ‘play cars in the garage,’ that’s when he told her that he was only sixteen years old. Due to several serious run-ins with the law Crystal is currently on probation, and cannot risk going back to jail.

“He’s cute and all, but jail-bait is jail-bait,” Janet sadly stated, “if he wants to sweep this chimney, he’s just gonna have to wait until he turns seventeen.” With that, Nathan vowed to continue in his celibacy until October 15th of this year, when he will turn seventeen, and finally get to throw his ‘hotdog’ down Janet’s ‘hallway’.

Police Dept. New Robot Car Subject of Rape Allegations

The newest addition to the Corpus Christi police force, PC the Patrol Car, is denying allegations that he sexually assaulted a female patrol car Saturday June 24, saying the report was “false, vindictive and retaliatory.”

“I have been falsely accused of sexual assault by a patrol car I formerly dated,” PC said during a press conference at his lawyer’s office, with his fiancee at his side. “Any and all relations that have occurred were always of a consensual nature.”

PC said he recently learned about the accusations and is cooperating with the Texas Rangers’ investigation into the matter.

“I am confident that the investigation will exonerate me of the malicious accusation made against me,” he beeped.

pc_girl

District Attorney Carlos Valdez said Monday his office is assisting with the investigation. Valdez said a patrol car in her 30’s said she was raped Saturday and went to an area mechanic early that afternoon seeking a diagnostic test.

PC’s lawyer, Tony Carrales, said he believes the allegations stemmed from his client’s public proposal last Sunday to his girlfriend of five months, Porsche Zavolvo, at a Corpus Christi Hooks game.

PC the Patrol Car will take a voluntary leave of absence until the matter is resolved and plans to use vacation days he has accrued.

Local Police Crack Down on Fireworks, Lighten Up on Crack

With 4th of July celebrations scheduled all around the city, CCPD is buckling down on local residents intent on demonstrating even the slightest sign of patriotism.

“We won’t stand by and allow these usually law-abiding people to put themselves or other citizens in harms way,” says Officer Pinkerton, “Fireworks are responsible for 0.7 deaths per year… also the city stands to make almost halfa- million dollars in fireworks fines, and that’s a lot of doughnuts.”

Before officer Pinkerton was moved to the special Fireworks Taskforce, he was a part of a unit dedicated to the overwhelming crack problem on the city’s west side. CCPD has since reassigned all law enforcement personnel in that unit, to stand guard on Corpus Christi’s city limits.

Corpus Christi residents seem to be divided on the issue. Most citizens believe that local police should continue in their efforts to eliminate the spread of crack throughout the city, however, there are those who support the Fireworks Taskforce.

“I think 5-O should bust all dem folks trying to run up in town wit dem explosifs, that’s some dangerous sh*t man,” says one local crack dealer, “I think they should be out there 24 hours a day, or even all year if that’s what it takes. You feel me?”

“We have to keep our priorities straight,” says Chief Bryan Smith, “We can arrest crack dealers any time of the year but there are only a few occasions when we can bust everyday citizens.”

Smith also told us, that because drivers are wising-up to the ‘Click it, or Ticket’ check-point locations, and this year avoided turnaround lanes on SPID, the campaign was not as fiscally successful as in previous years, and the city is hoping to recoup their losses during this 4th of July holiday.

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