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Dear Scabby,

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Dear Scabby,
The last time I picked you up, before your mouth was full, you tried to tell me some story about how you used to hang with Bill Cosby. Now that this isn’t costing me money, I was hoping you could finish off that story.
Sincerely, Dr. Fuxtable

Dearest Dr. Fuxy
Where do I begin… As most of you know numerous ungrateful b*tches have recently come forward to accuse Dr. Cosby of playing honorary doctor with them after implementing an unwanted general anesthetic. Well, I tried and tried to become one of Dr. Willies patients, but I guess I just wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough for him to look at me the way he looked all those other women with those hungry, dead, entitled eyes. Maybe I should have played harder to get, but young Scabby was just as eager to please as the Scabby you all know and love today.

It all started back in the 60’s when I was a cigarette girl on the NBC studio lot. Not the kind that sold cigarettes… the stars would pay to set my hair on fire while they sucked on my toes. Cosby though, was a freak, he who would set my feet ablaze and suck on my hair instead. That’s how I know he was special. After our sessions, I’d try to get him to stick around but he was always on his way to have a drink with some stuck up tart that was never really that into him. I guess it didn’t help that any old grip or best boy on the lot could buy my love for the price of a couple loose Lucky Strikes.

One day I had decided that I would go into his trailer and take the initiative of preparing one of his special drinks for myself so that when he came in between scenes he could have his dirty little way with any or all 7 of my holes. When I came to my nethers were as dry as Theo Huxtable’s bed sheets and Bill was just sitting there watching dailies. I later found out that Robert Culp got in a free toe suck while I was out. My plan had backfired and I was no closer to that chocolate pudding pop he was hiding in his slacks.

I never did get to meet Bill’s fat Albert. It wasn’t long after that day that the show was canceled and he moved on to a new studio and a fresh batch of victims. Maybe now that things have changed I’d have a better chance. Come to think of it, my record with disgraced, elderly, blind, felons is actually pretty dang good. Bill, call me before the sentencing…

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