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Dear Scabby, (Trump Wins)


It is my sad duty to inform you that this edition of Dear Scabby will be my last ever. Under the new Trump regime I have been ruled as “too ugly for print” and have been ordered to report to my new “uggo position” of hotel night auditor. Of course, I am sad, but it isn’t every day that a girl like me gets to meet the President, even if it was just so he could say, “uff, what a barfy broad, lets put her to work like in the Hillary dungeon or something. Get her out of the sunlight ASAP.”

It may not seem like it makes sense, but maybe personally rating and assigning jobs to everyone in the US based on looks is the best use of Master Trump’s time. At least it will be exciting to work with Rosie O’Donnell.

I’m not angry at Trump, as a lady-of-the-night I have met many Trump types over the years and that attitude always comes down to the same thing; an inferiority complex due to having a micro-penis. It is always the guys with the smallest towers that have to strive to make up for it with money and power or more obviously, phallic structures. When they get that money and power they still treat everyone around them like garbage, because all the golden furniture or important titles can’t add inches to that orange baby carrot The Donald is packing.
So it is with great sorrow that I answer these last questions from some of my most faithful readers.

Dead Scabby,
Now that Donald has bested me I no longer feel qualified to hold political office and I am looking for a change of pace. Do you think I can make the transition to sex work?

Sweet H.C.,
You make this too easy for me. All politicians are basically whores, this is not new information, but I think you may have a special gift when it comes to telling clients exactly what they want/need to hear. We all know you have a thick skin but can also cry on cue these are both highly valued characteristics in my field. As comedian Louis C.K. recently pointed out on a late night interview, you can take abuse like a champ especially from Republicans, which will be your primary customers. This will get you far as you spend your nights walking the streets of D.C.

For sure though, you will have to lose the pantsuits, just like being President, this job is all about people wanting access, so skirts and dresses from here on out girl. Other than that I don’t have much more advice… just make sure not to undervalue yourself, remember, you were almost president once so don’t take anything less than $13/hour otherwise you might as well just be working at the meat packing plant.

Dear Scabby,
My husband just took a very powerful position and now I can hardly get his attention, let alone access to his micro-penis. Any tips?
-Melania T.

So, you are the new First Lady but you’re the last lady your busy husband wants to inaugurate… Welcome to decade-plus marriage. I hate to be the one to tell you, but as long time crack enthusiast who finances her habit by pleasuring most of the husbands in my community, I can tell you that it wouldn’t matter if your husband was President of the United States or the night manager at What-a-burger, once you have been married more than 10 years you can expect 90% of your advances to be vetoed.
My advice is to explore your other options. It’s been a good while since we have seen some sexual scandal in the White House and America is just itching for it. From what I understand the Secret Service agents are usually game. It shouldn’t take much to get on of them to throw themselves in front of your secret cervix.
If that doesn’t work, I don’t think Monica Lewinsky is doing much these days, she is one of my best former students, so I can hook you up.

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