Customers Pull Out of Hobby Lobby

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by Wil Henneberger

Earlier this week, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled in favor of Hobby Lobby in a controversial case regarding employer provided birth control benefits. As this news spread through the aisles of the local Hobby Lobby, shoppers were nearly overcome with disappointment and decided to pull out before they finished.
One former patron of the craft store said, “Oh my god! I was so close to finishing! It felt so good! I was about to come and throw my load right there in front of that angry cashier, but I knew if I did I would have to pay for it, and with this court ruling, I no longer want anything of mine going into that dark disgusting place.”
At the time of the ruling the store had taken in about 30 customers at once,

Dear Wil Vent,

For decades now I have always wondered why nothing ever happened between us. In 1993 we were at the same junior high school, sure I was your Biology teacher, but we shared that special moment. We walked in the schoolyard and talked about why you weren’t doing your work, I told you that I knew how smart you were, and I told you I was going through a divorce. We both cried a little and then shared that long hug. Didn’t you realize that was when you were supposed to kiss me? In hindsight, maybe I should have made the first move, seeing as I was 20 years your senior. Well, I’m in my 50’s now… wanna bang?

Sincerely Mrs. Robinson

Dear Vent,

Rick Perry-580

As governor of the state where you operate this sorry excuse for a magazine, I have to demand that you to cease and desit the publicification of this rag. You are obviously on the liberal side in a town that I know personally doesn’t care for that sort of thing. Frankly, I am surprised you have stayed in business this long. This magazine is a sort of like alcoholism, sure you might be inclined to write the things that pop into your mind, but that doesn’t mean you have to… I told the gays the same thing, but to be honest, I’d rather watch two hairy men from Austin banging each other raw than read the incoherent things that come out of that demented organ you call a brain.

Uncle Rick

Folkin’ A Right! with Chris Carrabba

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Interview by Wil Henneberger

This year has been a good one. I’ve had the chance to be a fan again this year. Thanks, to my “job”, over the last few months I’ve seen some tremendous performances and even interviewed more than a few of my heroes and inspirations. More than that, I have come back around to a version of myself that I really missed. Like most thirty-somethings, I’ve graduated from Screaming Infidelities and settled right into Something We Just Know. I’ve moved out of the Dashboard Confessional and on to Twin Forks.
I recently spoke to Chris Carrabba, front man for both of those incredible bands and once again found myself, simply, a fan.

Vent: What is the most notable difference a Dashboard Confessional fan is going to notice at a Twin Forks show?

Chris: I think if they’re a Dashboard fan they kind of get the difference. They kind of get the one thing that people who only ever heard DB records got. There was so much joy in Dashboard and that’s really on display here,

Mastodon – Once More ’Round The Sun

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Released: June 24,2014 – Reprise

by Mike Skinner

Goddamn you, David Letterman. You know a thing or two. My father used to let me stay up super late on school nights to watch the original Late Night that came on after Carson. On some kind of very basic level, I sort of always got it. He did everything on purpose. Absurdist humor is either in you or it isn’t. It’s why only some people appreciate Broken Lizard.
His in-house band was always filled with the most amazing players. Anton Fig has been there for twenty-plus years and he’s played with everyone. Shit, the bandleader made his bones at SNL. Will Lee? Sid McGinnis? Steve Jordan? (Yeah, that Steve Jordan) Benie Worrell? Warren Zevon sitting in with David Sanborn? Oh, and don’t forget about Felicia Collins. Name me another female, front-of-the-house electric guitarist that’s ever been on television on a regular basis. I mean, I was just barely growing up and I knew then that these guys were amazing, even before I knew a thing about music.

Local and Federal Politicians Debate Over Lack Of Gum Control

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There is no denying that gum control is lacking in America. One local group recently did something to make a difference, and in this climate of apathy toward citizenship, their perseverance paid off.

The Families Against Gums group spoke before city officials last Tuesday and convinced the local lawmakers to administer a citywide ban on gums.

Janice Brubaker, a local dentist asked the government to step in, on this issue because she says, “Gums are destroying our youth!”. “You think its fun to play with gums, and everyone thinks they are so cool when they are holding a gum, but with what these gums can do to your gums… to put it simply, it’s gum violence.”

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