Dear Scabby,

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Dear Scabby,
The last time I picked you up, before your mouth was full, you tried to tell me some story about how you used to hang with Bill Cosby. Now that this isn’t costing me money, I was hoping you could finish off that story.
Sincerely, Dr. Fuxtable

Dearest Dr. Fuxy
Where do I begin… As most of you know numerous ungrateful b*tches have recently come forward to accuse Dr. Cosby of playing honorary doctor with them after implementing an unwanted general anesthetic. Well, I tried and tried to become one of Dr. Willies patients, but I guess I just wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough for him to look at me the way he looked all those other women with those hungry, dead, entitled eyes. Maybe I should have played harder to get, but young Scabby was just as eager to please as the Scabby you all know and love today.

Wake Up and Kick Some Balls

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My daughter has played kickball (officially) for about 5 years and she loves it. I love watching her play. In my constant struggle to live in the present Eckhart Tolle-style, one of the only times I can accomplish this is when I am fully engaged in one of my kiddos games or even when just me and her are practicing.

Maybe this is why my dad forced me off of my skateboard and onto every court or field he on which he could find an organized sport taking place. If I only knew you were just seeking some sort of mental peace by wearing my pitching arm ragged with hours of practice, maybe I wouldn’t have been such a resentful little snot. Still, I don’t think a13-year-olds should need to apply BENGAY on a daily basis. Years later, at least all that sport I was made to endure is finally paying off.

IMDb.com to Erase Bill Cosby from Existence

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More bad news for Bill Cosby as he continues to feel the consequences of crimes he committed in the prime of his career. Yale University has revoked his honorary degree – the first time in their history to do so. Officials at Northwestern University will meet soon and decide whether they will do the same. The serial molester has been booted from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and removed from the website of the Television hall of fame. All of the restaurants within the delivery zone of his home, in which he remains on house arrest awaiting sentencing, have refused to bring Cosby a decent meal. Now it seems the Internet Movie Database of record plans to erase Bill Cosby’s profile and all works with which he was affiliated.

Trump Vows to Unite East and West Korea

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Not to be outdone by the peaceful and productive talks between leaders of North and South Korea, President Trump declared at an NRA rally in Dallas, TX, that he has an even better plan to bring unity to “the other Koreas”.

“So it looks like Kim called up Moon and told him,” Trump continued in a racist Asian accent complete with his eyes stretched longways, “‘Me want to love you long time, hundred dolla me love you long time, Moon.’”

The crowd, which is best described as ‘Texas Sophisticated’, of course, went wild and celebrated his antics by hooting and hollering and exclaiming loudly various ‘ching’ and ‘chang’ type noises. After about 10-minutes of racist guffaws, Trump was able to continue his speech.

In a Total Dick Move, NRA now says: ‘Arm students to protect themselves’

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by William Henneberger

With advocates for stricter gun control making more progress over the last month than in recent history, the National Rifle Association is up in arms. The NRA has doubled down on their hardline policy for no more laws governing the buying or selling of guns to anyone, anywhere, and for any reason, including premeditated murder.

This is in reaction to recent decisions by multiple businesses to deny the purchase of guns to customers under the age of 21 and also to the loss of other NRA corporate partners. In the midst of backlash, NRA officials have decided to forego compromise and move directly to belligerence.

Trump Lowers Taxes on Sex Scandal Payoffs

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by William Henneberger

In order to make up for Trump’s widely hated steel tariff debacle, the president has decided to bring down taxes on any monies used to make payoffs to women involved in sexual scandals of any kind.

“Your first three sex scandals are tax-free, people,” Trump gloated at a White House press conference. “This is going to save congress tons of taxpayer dollars.”

A particular provision in this executive order even makes it clear that this tax exemption is ‘per scandal’ not per payoff, meaning that a congressman could theoretically have three separate orgies resulting in numerous payoffs without having to pay any taxes until their fourth orgy.

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