Gay Hackers Take Aim At POTUS’ Backdoor

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Washington D.C. – In this post-Wikileaks world hacker organizations like Anonymous have taken on the Robin Hoodian task of exposing corruption wherever it rears its ugly head. And nobody knows more about exposing ugly head than the gay hacker group Python Patrol. PP hactivists get there name from the elite unit within the fictional Cobra organization, and also because Python is a computer coding language as well as a euphemism for large penises.

The recent discovery that both the President and First Lady have active twitter accounts connected to non-secured, private email addresses makes them prime targets for the corn-holing code crackers. If the silicone valley butt pirates are able to uncover any confidential information they could really have the President over a barrel.

Trump vows: Turtles Will Pay For Sea Shore Funding

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CORPUS CHRISTI – President Donald Trump’s executive order for a federal hiring freeze is leaving the Padre Island National Seashore (PINS) without a fully functional staff. At a press conference Monday morning the President doubled-down on his order and told concerned environmentalist that he would fix this issue by making the sea turtles and other freeloading animals pay for their own funding.

“When the ocean sends its turtles, they’re not sending their best,” Trump barked at press conference on Padre Island. “They’re not sending the teenage mutants. They’re not sending the ninjas. They’re sending turtles that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.”

Wake Up and Resist in the Fightin’ 27th.

I did not really want to be one of those publishers urging others to resist the President and his possibly illegal actions and orders, but it seems that Führer Trump is going to have it no other way. He will be the president that completely polarizes America. It will be very hard for anyone on the grid to avoid the chaos and protests set into motion by the president’s haste, bigotry, and quite frankly, his lack of intelligence. Thankfully, there are still those in congress with enough respect for the system (however flawed it may be) to stand up to a president that doesn’t seem to have any regard for equality or even human decency, not to mention the constitutionality of the Executive Orders he puts in place. While those patriotic Congressmen are keeping a watchful eye on our faux president, we need to turn our focus to our district and any chance of taking it out of the hands of a party that seems to have also stopped caring about equality and the welfare of all Americans.

VP-Elect Pence Disgusted Over His Love of Girl on Girl

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Vice President-Elect Mike Pence called a press conference on Sunday and told reporters that he has been living in sin. As most journalists began to clear the room, disinterested. Pence dropped the bombshell that he has been “interfering” with himself while watching lesbian porn.

Pundits have been up in arms over this revelation given that, for decades, Pence has made so many stands against the LGBTQ community. In Congress, he sponsored a law that if passed would have forced children to include genitalia on all stick-figure drawings in order to confirm that the couples were not same-sex. As Governor of Indiana, Pence initiated a statewide ban on the use of Indiana as a boy’s name because it sounds gay. Now it seems that the President-Elect, at least in this case, has 69’d on his position that all homosexuality is an abomination.

Wake up and Respect the Office?

I am not a Donald Trump apologist, but I have always been an advocate of respecting the Office of The Presidency. Maybe that’s because I was a Boy Scout- and a virgin- till I was 15-years-old or because one of the seven things my dad taught me before he split was proper citizenship (the other six were all sports related). My theory is that if examined I’d probably register some place on the Autistic Spectrum that allows me to be somewhat functional on a date but also causes me to overly emphasize pie in the sky concepts like Honor and Patriotism or Disestablishmentarianism.

Dear Scabby, (Hillary Wins)

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We did it! With a little bit of girl-power and a lot of grip and grin Hillary was violated all the way to the highest office in the land. This election was not unlike those end of the night jobs I’ve taken after my daily ration of lube has run dry. Once the KY is gone that usually my cue to start walking to my pay by the day hotel home. Once in a while though, I’ll get an offer on the way home and as a working girl you gotta work, its right there in the title. Sure it’s rough and painful and yes it might even get bloody but just remember that blood is a lubricant too. The moral of the story is; if you’re gonna pick up a hooker try to catch her on the upslope of the night otherwise you are just asking for AIDS. The other moral of the story is that sometimes taking it up the political rear is worth it if it lands you at the forefront of history.

Dear Scabby,
My wife just took a very powerful position and now I can hardly get her attention, let alone access to her secret cervix. Any tips?
-Bill

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