Get Archspired! Death Metal Alive in Corpus Christi.

By Joseph Kahn

Photos: Alex Morgan

Oh geez, if someone told me I’d ever have the opportunity to not only interview the members of one of my all time favorite bands, but to also write an article about their tour, I’d have to hurl myself down a set of stairs to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

Canadian Tech Death masters, Archspire make a round through the U.S of A for the Tech Trek IV tour with Virvum, Inferi, and Wormhole, and boy am I excited. These dudes have been making a huge impact in the technical death metal scene, with remorseless riffs and furious vocals; it’s hard to imagine them not sticking around for a long time. If you’re looking for a band that’ll make you feel like the machines are taking over while aliens simultaneously come down to masturbate and blow their cosmic loads all over your enslaved faces, this is definitely that band.

What is also pretty damn cool is the cover art for their newest release “Relentless Mutation” was painted by artist Eliran Kantor, who did a lot of work for old school favorites like Testament and Atheist. I’m going to have to stock up on extra faces, because these guys, along with the rest of the lineup, are seriously going to melt mine clean off. So if you happen to wake up without your face, don’t worry, I’m putting it to good use.

The Mueller 2019 Moontower Report (summarized by Attorney General William Barr)

Moontower Comedy Festival is an obvious witch-hunt, and has been going on for far too long! I won’t let any more time be wasted with Mueller’s longwinded 380 page review of this years line up of comedians. I’m sure that, like our president, we all believe that the liberal media is the enemy of the people and that words are the nemesis of patriotism. Hence, I have greatly condensed Mueller’s Moontower Report, and to the relief of many comedians, determined that no charges will be filled.

Wake up & Betray Your Local Comedy Scene?

by Wil Vent

There is so much important news happening right now. Joe Biden may or may not be a creep. The Mexican border may or may not be shut down. The first black/gay/female Chicago Mayor may not be elected… she was! But, let’s not talk about any of that stuff.

The Vent Daily’s top story this month is Moontower Comedy Festival. That’s right, it’s that time again. It’s time for yours truly to cram a seasons worth of exercise into four days of schlepping back and forth through the hills of downtown Austin to catch as many comedy shows as I can. I’ll be gathering up quality entertainment and photosynthesizing it into inspiration to keep me going all year through the comedy desert that is Corpus. I’m like some kind of comedy… animal that can go a long time without something because they saved up a bunch of it beforehand.

The Spring Invasion:

Motionless in White, Atreyu & Wilson – Brewster Street Icehouse – 4/18

by Joey Kahn

The Spring Invasion Tour, which seems fitting since we here in South Texas are still waiting for Spring to invade. I hope for the sake of all the members in these bands, that it warms up enough for us to see the outline of their bulge in what will definitely be a plethora of tight pants, but enough about fashion and bulges… The tour just kicked off and finds its way to Corpus Christi on the 18th at the wonderful Brewster Street Icehouse. If ever there were a band from my youth, that I’d be surprised to hear is still around, that would be Atreyu. I hope that I’m not the only one who can’t help but yell “FALCOR!” immediately after hearing the name “Atreyu.” Which in turn makes me sad, because I can only think about the scene with the horse. The one where you cry as hard as you will now that you know the nostalgia of your youth, in band form, is coming around to your neck of the woods. If you haven’t seen The NeverEnding Story, then shame on you. 

CC Roast Practice

What better way to get into the Roast Battle spirit then to Roast a few pillars of the Corpus Christi Community. Unfortunately, most of the people in CC with local celebrity status are news personalities, which mean I’ll be punching down with these jokes. Who am I kidding, I’m too afraid to punch up anyway.

Roast Rule #1- Don’t be offended… Remember, in a real roast, anything goes.

Joe Gazin (KIII News)

A lot of people don’t realize that when we see Joe on screen that is the size he is in real life.

Scabby Rocks (How I meet Your Fathers) Feb 2019

Face To Face

It’s a special Valentine’s edition of Scabby Rocks for all you lovers out there. Now I know what you are asking; what does a streetwalking junkie like me know about Love? Well, believe it or not I have found love more than a few times. I’m reminded of a fling in the late 80’s with one of my many soul mates Trever Keith. He was the first trick I ever made sex to face to face. Before I met Trev, Scabby was strictly doggie style. Trev taught me that eye contact could be as hot as penis contact. He went on to front some amazing punk band, I forget the name, but guess what… they will be coming through town on Feb. 15th to play House of Rock, one of my favorite venues, and not just because they let me use their sink to give myself an occasional whore’s bath. 

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