Local Radio Host Beats Dead Horse & Girlfriend

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On air radio personality Eric Von Wade is known for regurgitating the same garbage over and over. For years he has talked to himself about his far-right, gun-toting, ultra-conservative opinions, while a few others with broken radio dials or faulty cerebrum listened in. He has now allegedly graduated from beating a dead horse to beating his live girlfriend.

According to the police report, officers were called to von Wade’s residence, where he was acting like some “roided-out jealous insecure teenager”. He was witnessed verbally abusing his girlfriend who friends describe as being very open-minded in the bedroom to some not-so conservative requests by the Republican.

When his bloody-lipped girlfriend told police that he had assaulted her Eric von Wade was arrested and spent the weekend in the county jail holding facility. Upon his $2500 bonded release, the professional talker who peppers his hardnosed beliefs about politics and his questionable views on feminism with outdated Seinfeld references and misogynistic innuendo took to the airwaves.

Onomatopoeia my pants: An interview with Comedian Pablo Francisco

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I have to start by saying what I knew would be true of this interview before I even made the phone call to Pablo Francisco – It does not do him justice. At first, I thought it would be funny for me to have to spell out and you to have to read all the booshes, woomps, re-roalps, and blehghs, but soon I realized that I suck at onomatopoeia.

Pablo is a master of sound effects and impersonation as you can see by all the characters that pop into our conversation which, I should note, took place around 7am. Of course, the best way to enjoy the many sides of this internationally known comedian is to see him on stage for yourself. All voices are done by Pablo since I also suck at impressions.

Pablo: Hello, this is Pablo Francisco.

Vent: Hey Pablo, this is Wil with the Vent in Corpus Christi. How’re you doing?

P: I’m doing good man. I’m just chilling here on the Internet waiting for your call. And thanks for calling, what’s up man?

V: Yeah, hey. I’m doing pretty good. We just wanted to do a quick little interview to promote the show coming up. I jotted down just some basic stuff and then maybe a little bit of weird stuff too we can get into.

P: Absolutely man, I’m down, man.

Selling Out with Scabby and Reel Big Fish

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Dear Scabby,

We are short staffed this month since Blake Farenthold passed mono to everyone in the office. I know he is one of your regulars, but thanks to your no-kissing policy you’re the only writer we have left to write up the Reel Big Fish show. I need 400 words by Midnight. –Wil Vent

P.S. 400 is the same as two cartons of cigs, it’s also how many dollars you would have if you gave 160 BJ’s

Dear Abusive Bastard of a Boss,

I’ll write your little article about this fruity little band, but remember you still owe me a ten spot for that ring job last Saturday.

-Scabby

Poor Parenting at Moontower: Sing for your Supper, Son or All The Comedy Free Badges Can Buy

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by Wil Henneberger

I think by now, anyone who reads this magazine knows that I don’t have any money. I’ve actually never had money. Early on I realized that if I really wanted to attend an event, then I needed to have a way to get in without paying. Before I became a comedy-nerd, I was a music-geek and for over a decade my brother and I along with our friends would attend Warped Tour or SXSW or just random concerts to interview bands. It started with crashing backstage gates and talking our way in and over the years evolved to emails with publicists and guest list spots.

Not much has changed. Sure I have a son that will start school at UT this fall, but that just means that when I hit up a comedy fest for a couple of badges, one of those is going to go to him. Son, it’s time you learned how to sing for your supper. It’s not like this print magazine is the kind of family business I can pass down to you, but writing is a talent that you can one day incorporate into your holoblog (hologram blog?) so that you can matrix-plug into, and cerebrally upload whatever virtual entertainment you prefer, without having to expend any of the limited bio-credits from the chip in your wrist. We wish we could have loaded you up with more bio-credits but sadly we lost most of what we had, fighting on the losing side of the Great Trump War or ’18.

Trump Visits Corpus Christi for Spring Break

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CORPUS CHRISTI, TX – White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told the press Friday, that the President has decided to make a change from the gorgeous surroundings, first-class amenities, and 126 rooms of Mar-a-Lago, and has decided to spend his spring break at the Omni Hotel near the chocolate-milky waters of South Texas. The president will be in town for an entire workweek in March.

Some Washington politicians have rumored that the reason for this visit is because the dopey Corpus Christi House Representative Blake Farenthold was playing hide-and-seek by himself in the White House when he happened upon President Trump and Steve Bannon in a compromising situation involving a goat head, a young child, and ceremonial dagger. This seems a likely possibility considering that President Trump would typically avoid such a Hispanic saturated district and since Farenthold is widely known for playing with himself.

Stripes Stores Support Trump’s K.K.K.

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CORPUS CHRISTI, TX – With the instant success of the Selena themed cups, Stripes Convenience Stores has already announced their next venture in commemorative beverage containers. Beginning March 12th the gas station with a near monopoly in Corpus Christi will release five different President Donald Trump Kommemorative Kollectible Kups.

“Now that we have put something out for the nonvoters,” Kelcy Warren, CEO of Stripes’ parent company, said from a leather chair in a dark, cigar smoke-filled room at an undisclosed location, “we thought we should do something for the Corpus Christinos that actually matter.”

Insiders at Stripes say that Warren saw the cup idea as a way to make back some of the $6 million dollars he donated to Rick Perry’s Presidential campaign and the $1 million he gave to Trump’s winning effort.

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