Vice President-Elect Mike Pence called a press conference on Sunday and told reporters that he has been living in sin. As most journalists began to clear the room, disinterested. Pence dropped the bombshell that he has been “interfering” with himself while watching lesbian porn.
Pundits have been up in arms over this revelation given that, for decades, Pence has made so many stands against the LGBTQ community. In Congress, he sponsored a law that if passed would have forced children to include genitalia on all stick-figure drawings in order to confirm that the couples were not same-sex. As Governor of Indiana, Pence initiated a statewide ban on the use of Indiana as a boy’s name because it sounds gay. Now it seems that the President-Elect, at least in this case, has 69’d on his position that all homosexuality is an abomination.
I am not a Donald Trump apologist, but I have always been an advocate of respecting the Office of The Presidency. Maybe that’s because I was a Boy Scout- and a virgin- till I was 15-years-old or because one of the seven things my dad taught me before he split was proper citizenship (the other six were all sports related). My theory is that if examined I’d probably register some place on the Autistic Spectrum that allows me to be somewhat functional on a date but also causes me to overly emphasize pie in the sky concepts like Honor and Patriotism or Disestablishmentarianism.
We did it! With a little bit of girl-power and a lot of grip and grin Hillary was violated all the way to the highest office in the land. This election was not unlike those end of the night jobs I’ve taken after my daily ration of lube has run dry. Once the KY is gone that usually my cue to start walking to my pay by the day hotel home. Once in a while though, I’ll get an offer on the way home and as a working girl you gotta work, its right there in the title. Sure it’s rough and painful and yes it might even get bloody but just remember that blood is a lubricant too. The moral of the story is; if you’re gonna pick up a hooker try to catch her on the upslope of the night otherwise you are just asking for AIDS. The other moral of the story is that sometimes taking it up the political rear is worth it if it lands you at the forefront of history.
My wife just took a very powerful position and now I can hardly get her attention, let alone access to her secret cervix. Any tips?
It is my sad duty to inform you that this edition of Dear Scabby will be my last ever. Under the new Trump regime I have been ruled as “too ugly for print” and have been ordered to report to my new “uggo position” of hotel night auditor. Of course, I am sad, but it isn’t every day that a girl like me gets to meet the President, even if it was just so he could say, “uff, what a barfy broad, lets put her to work like in the Hillary dungeon or something. Get her out of the sunlight ASAP.”
It may not seem like it makes sense, but maybe personally rating and assigning jobs to everyone in the US based on looks is the best use of Master Trump’s time. At least it will be exciting to work with Rosie O’Donnell.
By President-Elect Donald Trump
I’m not sure why I chose to censor my words in the title of this piece. I haven’t censored anything else to come out of my mouth this election season, or ever for that matter. Maybe I did it to fool you America. Maybe because this time the P with all those little stars after it doesn’t stand for what you think it stands for.
That’s right America, I’ve got a brand new slogan and it’s better than ever and I don’t care if it gets me in trouble with the gays or any other group of disgusting haters out there. I’m talking about Grab Life by the Penis.
As you all know because I’ve said it on many occasions; there is no question that what I am working with down there is superior to every other you know what out there. And for the record, my hands are not small. Sure I can clap my hands inside most women’s vaginas even while my penis is in there too, but that’s not because I’m tiny, it’s because they’re huge… loose… big-time. So, I’ll say it again:
By President-Elect Hillary Clinton
I’m not sure why I chose to censor my words in the title of this piece. If America almost elected a man who supports the literal act of grabbing a woman by the pussy then I don’t see the harm in my metaphorical use of the word. I’ve got no hard feelings toward the country’s favorite little semi-pro rapist, after all, if Trump hadn’t convinced us all that he was so automatically entitled to everything, including the most powerful office in the world, then maybe more people might have made it to the polls to vote for that talking orangutan. As I said, I’m not bitter about the journey we took to get to this Clinton presidency; in fact, I’ll say it again: