We did it! With a little bit of girl-power and a lot of grip and grin Hillary was violated all the way to the highest office in the land. This election was not unlike those end of the night jobs I’ve taken after my daily ration of lube has run dry. Once the KY is gone that usually my cue to start walking to my pay by the day hotel home. Once in a while though, I’ll get an offer on the way home and as a working girl you gotta work, its right there in the title. Sure it’s rough and painful and yes it might even get bloody but just remember that blood is a lubricant too. The moral of the story is; if you’re gonna pick up a hooker try to catch her on the upslope of the night otherwise you are just asking for AIDS. The other moral of the story is that sometimes taking it up the political rear is worth it if it lands you at the forefront of history.
My wife just took a very powerful position and now I can hardly get her attention, let alone access to her secret cervix. Any tips?
It is my sad duty to inform you that this edition of Dear Scabby will be my last ever. Under the new Trump regime I have been ruled as “too ugly for print” and have been ordered to report to my new “uggo position” of hotel night auditor. Of course, I am sad, but it isn’t every day that a girl like me gets to meet the President, even if it was just so he could say, “uff, what a barfy broad, lets put her to work like in the Hillary dungeon or something. Get her out of the sunlight ASAP.”
It may not seem like it makes sense, but maybe personally rating and assigning jobs to everyone in the US based on looks is the best use of Master Trump’s time. At least it will be exciting to work with Rosie O’Donnell.
By President-Elect Donald Trump
I’m not sure why I chose to censor my words in the title of this piece. I haven’t censored anything else to come out of my mouth this election season, or ever for that matter. Maybe I did it to fool you America. Maybe because this time the P with all those little stars after it doesn’t stand for what you think it stands for.
That’s right America, I’ve got a brand new slogan and it’s better than ever and I don’t care if it gets me in trouble with the gays or any other group of disgusting haters out there. I’m talking about Grab Life by the Penis.
As you all know because I’ve said it on many occasions; there is no question that what I am working with down there is superior to every other you know what out there. And for the record, my hands are not small. Sure I can clap my hands inside most women’s vaginas even while my penis is in there too, but that’s not because I’m tiny, it’s because they’re huge… loose… big-time. So, I’ll say it again:
By President-Elect Hillary Clinton
I’m not sure why I chose to censor my words in the title of this piece. If America almost elected a man who supports the literal act of grabbing a woman by the pussy then I don’t see the harm in my metaphorical use of the word. I’ve got no hard feelings toward the country’s favorite little semi-pro rapist, after all, if Trump hadn’t convinced us all that he was so automatically entitled to everything, including the most powerful office in the world, then maybe more people might have made it to the polls to vote for that talking orangutan. As I said, I’m not bitter about the journey we took to get to this Clinton presidency; in fact, I’ll say it again:
Mr. Vice President Kaine, Mr. Chief Justice Roberts, esteemed members of Congress, and fellow Americans- I am humbled to be here today in this year of your lord 2017. I am so honored to be here standing in front of you as your forty-fifth president. Forty-four men have taken this oath before me, and what a unique honor and thrill it is to be the first woman to pledge such loyalty to these great United States.
It is such a joy to be here with my husband, former President Bill Clinton. Bill you look positively ravishing in your star-spangled Vera Wang. My beautiful daughter Chelsea, her husband Marc and my two darling grandchildren are also here. I could not have done this without you Chelsea, thank you. Thank you to my devoted staff here and in the DNC, you have been instrumental to my success and I look forward to your help in deleting many more emails before 2020.
Mr. Vice President, Mr. Chief Justice, members of Congress, distinguished guests, my many adoring fans, and all the haters and losers: I have made it. I have personally trampled on the spirit of American ingenuity and democracy and made fools of all of you- but you have still elected me. I have bragged about assaulting women, been accused of said assault by nearly a dozen women, clearly avoided my tax responsibilities, used a secret server to communicate with the Kremlin, ignited and inflamed violent racists, and appealed to the lowest common denominator in the this great nation and yet here I am! I even encouraged gun enthusiasts to kill my opponent, am standing trial for child rape and fraud and still- you have elected me! My fellow Americans,