In my line of work, you carry a lot of things. For starters, on any given day I am carrying an entire ecosystem of various microscopic mites and invisible parasites. I’ve carried over 2-dozen babies, and 3-dozen infections, a few of them to full-term. One thing I never forget to carry is my Smith & Wesson Model 29, if you are not familiar with that particular piece; it is the same kind Clint Eastwood used as the Dirty Harry character. I have always been proud of my ‘metal manhood’ or ‘chrome c*ck’, as I like to call it.
Now, if I am going to make the daily rent on my shed behind the empty pool of the half-burned down motel on Agnes, I have to be working those corners, and that means showing some skin. Momma always said to leave a little bit to the imagination, but that was before we had to compete with the high-speed,
by Wil Henneberger
Amidst the current rape allegations and related criminal as well as civil lawsuits, funnyman Bill Cosby has managed to secure a lucrative deal with Netflix. The news came last Wednesday from Cosby, at a press conference outside a Massachusetts Courthouse.
“I’m ba-happy zu announce,” the suspected rapist cheerfully informed the press, “that all eight ba-seasons of the Cos-ahz-by Show will now ba-ze availabizle on… the Net-a-flix.”
It took several days to confirm this news with Netflix, whose CEO Reed Hastings had been in a deep sleep for the better part of the weekend, ever since his meeting with the sexually depraved creator of the most popular show of the late 80’s and early 90’s.
Hastings’ contract lawyers reported that Cosby was set to meet with the internet entrepreneur to discuss a reality-show featuring the current controversy in which Cosby was immersed. However, when the attorneys found Hastings Monday morning he was curled up in the fetal position under a boardroom table, clutching paperwork signed by both Cosby and the Netflix executive.
by Wil Vent
Finally home after my nearly yearlong federal vacation and I fall right back into the same terrible habits. Too much television; not enough foresight. The only book I’ve read since my return is Face. I’m writing Vent articles 5 hours before print deadline, and enlisting my friends to fill space so I don’t have to -which for this issue means you get a gracious revisiting from the great Mike Skinner, a local writer so talented it almost seems fitting that he has a constant suicidal aura about him.
What is wrong with me? I thought that after a year of 10pm bedtimes and 6am breakfast calls, I would have been able to at least maintain the appearance of discipline for a month or two before total digression. Sadly, I am already 69% back to my old self. Before you know it, I’ll be asking friends for their ex-wives phone numbers while being overly critical of my beautiful children (beautiful, yet lazy children).
I have been able to stave off a few of my old behaviors. I don’t go out until all hours of the night nearly as much as I used to. That may have something to do with the monitor I have to wear around my ankle for one more month. Another old addiction kicked,
by Mike Skinner
When I was a younger man, I was dead certain that I was smarter than everyone around me. I was terse and abrasive and short with people that, in hindsight, were probably just trying to talk about their lives because that’s what we all do anyway. We talk about our lives. We talk about our perspectives. We talk about things that infect us with the feels. I would stand proudly atop the cafe tables and shout at strangers and knock over drinks and generally make a tremendous ass of myself while expounding upon the sweaty sermons of my pretense, but I was young so it was still kind of funny. I could still get away with it because it was marginally entertaining to my pals and some girls still thought it was intriguing. I can go back to previous years of journaling and the running theme is more often than not the same. It’s me talking about how ignorant everyone is and if they would just open their eyes to the realities of blah blah blah, Jesus Christ I’m annoyed by myself right now just thinking about it.
Not to say that my ideas were bad, per se. I still feel just as strongly about almost every major concept now as I did then. Everything from Religion to Globalization to the inherent value associated with properly designed sandwiches or whether or not one can make love stay, I still feel the same. The difference is that now, I know that my opinion does not matter. It doesn’t matter at all. It affects no one. It changes nothing, and that’s ok. The hardest lesson that I have learned thus far in this the middle of my life, is that I don’t matter. I used to say things like this all the time when I was young. I would say it for effect. I would say it because
By: Nathan Ray Clark
Over the last decade, Corpus Christi residents have voiced their concerns over deteriorating street conditions. What once was a pesky pothole problem has now become a Texas-sized pain in the ass for everyone. In typical late fashion, the city leaders are finally ready to put this pothole pandemonium to rest.
City officials have come up with a surprising, yet innovative solution. Director of Street Operations, Andy Leal says, “Instead of fixing the potholes we’re planning on making more potholes. Sometimes you have to think outside the box. We realized it’s kind of pointless to fix all the potholes. I mean, there’s always going to be potholes.” Leal admits that his lack of responsibility is not the problem, but instead the blame falls squarely on budget cuts. Leal says, “Bottom line: We don’t have the funds to fix our roads, but we do have enough money to tear up every street from Calallen to the Island. So, we decided we’re gonna do that.”
As expected, locals are frustrated over the city’s solution and insist on a new plan. Hector Solis, a US Army Veteran and Boat ‘N Net aficionado, is one of many citizens who are livid over the city’s decision. Mr Solis says, “I’ve lived here my whole life, and I’ve learned two things. One, the Number Five, shrimp and fish combo with extra tartar sauce will be my last meal on earth. And two, the people who run this penche city are menso.” Solis believes the city hasn’t fully considered the ramifications of this plan and he promises that, “If those putos even think of tearing up my street with more potholes, I’m gonna tear them new culos. If not me, then my old lady will. Linda don’t give a damn!”
After the recent customer upheaval over McDonald’s cancelation of the Dollar Menu, restaurants all over the country are hoping to fill that gap and win over patrons who are looking for the best deal they can find. So far the lesser-known, Texas-based franchise What-A-Burger has peaked the most consumer curiosity with their announcement of the What-a-Leftover Menu.
“Contemporary tradition dictates that the days following Thanksgiving are a time for amazing deals,” Whataburger CEO Preston Atkinson announced at a press conference earlier this week, “but classically, the period after that holiday feast has always been known as leftover season. What-a-Burger has taken the best of both eras and created the ‘What-a-Leftover Menu’.” The burger chain founder went on to explain the details of the ‘new-to-you’ service.
Dine-in customers with uneaten portions of their meal can leave their trays on the table to be collected by a specially trained LeftOverSeer. Patrons who complete their meal are still expected to bus their own trays on the way out. The LeftOverSeer collects all the food left unattended for more than 20 seconds. Diners are encouraged to be quick when leaving the table for refills or condiments. Any leftovers are placed under the “LeftOver Here” heat lamp area near the trashcans. From there, the Mini-Meals can be resold at a discounted rate which is determined by the’ OverSeer’.’
For the past six months the What-a-Leftover Menu has been running as a pilot program at the 214 What-a-Burger locations in Corpus Christi, TX. Data collected from