By William Henneberger
Graphics by Jared Henneberger
In order to calm the minds of concerned religious voters all over Texas, Governor Greg Abbott has proposed a law that will segregate public restrooms. The new decree mandates that there now be separate restrooms for Republicans and Democrats in every public and private establishment in the state, including homes.
This comes on the heels of legal battles in several other states, over which restroom facilities transgender Americans should use.
The details of this new initiative, which some are calling slightly hateful and offensive, state very specific requirements for each lavatory: Every republican restroom should consist of several units within the main room. There will be a private area for women who were born women as well as men who were born men, and also an area for children who were born children.
Written by DeadToMeObits.com
I didn’t know The Champ very well, but I like to think we had a lot in common. It was said that he could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. I’ve been known to collect butterflies because I’m deathly allergic to bees.
For the younger generations, Ali reigned before our time. Most young people who hear the words “down goes Frazier” wonder why beating up Kelsey Grammer was so impressive. Although seeing Ali in his prime tossing the salad and scrambling the eggs of Beast from X-Men would be an event that would surely pull promoter Don King by the hair, out of retirement.
In ‘74 you came out with a win at Rumble in the Jungle, but at 74 years old you got knocked out by
by William Henneberger
In a not-so-surprising turn of events, last Wednesday Donald Trump decided that on top of his presidential bid, he would also take a run at the position of Corpus Christi Mayor. The recent local water controversy caused the Republican Nominee to take notice of how terribly the South Texas city is being maintained by its current leaders, and with a possible recall of current mayor Nelda Martinez there may be an empty slot for the brazen billionaire. The decision came after his campaign manager told him that he could not run for President of the United States and Mayor of some unknown, quasi-tourist trap in the most humid part of the Gulf of Mexico.
“NOBODY IS GONNA TELL ME WHAT I CAN OR CAN’T DO!” Trump announced to the limousines occupants. “GET ME TO CORPUS CHRISTI!”
By William Henneberger
I recall a simpler time when I was okay being ignorant of the political toxins that surrounded me. Now, as that hazardous waste has finally made its way into my body via a tainted water supply, I find myself having to take a side on the matter of our Mayor. I have always liked Nelda Martinez. I’ve meet her once or twice, heard her speak at a few events. She even pops into my sexual fantasies now and again, but so do all the City Council members (except Mark Scott, never Mark Scott). The Vent has done our part to ridicule our lovely lady leader over the past few years and, from what I hear, she has always been a sport about it.
Sadly, though, I also recall a time when I didn’t have to think twice about pouring myself a glass of tap water for actual drinking purposes. Now I just use it to water the flowers, and only the ones I really don’t care about. I’m talking to you Tulips! You will never be as great as a Rose. My family has been buying bottled water for as long as I can remember, probably after the first series of water boil alerts years ago around the time Martinez took office.
I get it, all these people want to live in that fancy white house. Who wouldn’t? I’d be happy just to live in a white neighborhood. Some of us are going to have to accept that it just isn’t gonna happen. Some people just don’t belong in those houses and neighborhoods, and by some people, I mean Jews. Of course I am just kidding, there’s always room for a few of God’s chosen people in WASP country, and by wasp country, I mean what I called my vagina that time I found a beehive attached to my labia minora.
In all seriousness, I spent a little bit of time under the desks of some of the top advisers on the Docockus ’88 campaign. And way before that, in 1964, I was part of a group of grassroots goldwater supporters. We hated Barry Goldwater, but we were in favor of going out in the yard and peeing on each other, which at the time made more sense than anything old Boring Pisswater was spraying. I’ve been told that I have a one of a kind perspective and a never before seen STD cocktail in my pink beaker.
First off, you are alienating the Herpeed-American vote with your very insensitive slogan. That’s almost 25% of the population that is going to lean to Trump or Hillary simply because they don’t remind them of those nasty flare-ups in their dirty little ballot boxes.
By Wil Henneberger
For reasons regular readers of this monthly will easily ascertain, I could not attend Austin’s Moontower Comedy and Oddity Festival in 2015. The Moontower before that was my first comedy festival experience and if you were following my journey then, you remember how inspired I was after seeing several of my heroes live, especially The Kids In The Hall. 2016 was no less stimulating! Due to my 9-year-old’s kickball game on Wednesday evening I missed the first night of the fest, but I made up for it by hopping in the first bus out of town Thursday morning. By 5pm I had checked into my hostel and had my Press credentials in hand. Just in time to stand in line for the first show I planned to see. Would you like to kick off the weekend with a comedy legend? Um, sure, why not…
Thursday 4/21 – Paramount Theatre 7:00pm– Martin Short
All the big acts at Moontower play the Paramount Theatre, which as you see maintains the classic spelling of the word theater. That’s because it’s a f***ing classy joint. Shoes and shirt required and the whole bit. No popcorn sold in this Theatrah.