Joan Rivers Dead To Me 1933-2014

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What can I say about Joan Rivers that Louis CK, didn’t cover on the brilliant episode of his show on which she guest starred. Well, I can say that there are very few women in this world that I have never looked at sexually… most of the ones I’m related to and Joan Rivers. I’m sorry Joan, but for whatever reason I have never viewed you as a sexual creature. A creature yes, but not a sexual one. Don’t get me wrong; I am sure my dad was all over your pics, like I am on Sarah Silverman’s, but I am just too young for whatever was left of your original body.
The good thing about the preceding horribly insulting paragraph is that I was always able to appreciate your personality and comedy without any distractions, and we know that is what you female comedians all wanna hear, right? Joan Rivers you are dead to me, but you’ve always been dead to my penis.

Wake Up & F*** the Police

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When I first moved to Corpus all the way from Kingsville, I had an appreciation for the Corpus Christi Police Department. You see, in piece of crap towns like Kingsville the cops pull you over on a regular basis for nonsense like ‘wide right turns’ or ‘unsafely transporting a sofa on the roof of your Buick Skylark’.
I suppose it all has something to do with generating revenue in a town that has none. Well, don’t worry Corpus Christinos, because we are on our way in that direction. The Red Light Cameras were a good indicator that the city was looking for ways to bring in a few extra bucks. Recently I received a ticket for blocking the sidewalk in my own driveway, and we all know that 5-0 has been cracking down on those

Apple Reveals the iPhone Sex

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The next Apple iPhone reveal was scheduled for later this month, however recent controversy around the products release has caused the technological juggernaut to chance course.
After Apple CEO Tim Cook finally admitted that the leaking of celebrity nudes this past August was all a carefully planned publicity stunt to build up anticipation for the groundbreaking companies newest device, he was forced to forego the original announcement date and reveal to the world the iphone Sex.
“For many consumers the release of a new product can be an exhilarating, orgasmic experience,” Cook exclaimed calmly,

Robin Williams Dead To Me 1951-2014

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Robin, Robin, Robin, I will miss you, you hairy man you. Every time I look at my dads fuzzy arms I will remember you getting Matt Damon to break down in good will hunting and hence bringing this 17 year old (at the time) to tears. Robin Williams, you had a hand in raising me, you taught me tolerance in Birdcage, and with Good Morning Vietnam you showed me how to stand up for what I believe is right, and with everything else I guess you taught me that a person never really has to stop talking if they don’t want to.
Robin you are dead to me, but… It’s not your fault. No, no, no, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault. LOOK AT ME! IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. it’s not your fault.

Customers Pull Out of Hobby Lobby

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by Wil Henneberger

Earlier this week, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled in favor of Hobby Lobby in a controversial case regarding employer provided birth control benefits. As this news spread through the aisles of the local Hobby Lobby, shoppers were nearly overcome with disappointment and decided to pull out before they finished.
One former patron of the craft store said, “Oh my god! I was so close to finishing! It felt so good! I was about to come and throw my load right there in front of that angry cashier, but I knew if I did I would have to pay for it, and with this court ruling, I no longer want anything of mine going into that dark disgusting place.”
At the time of the ruling the store had taken in about 30 customers at once,

Dear Wil Vent,

For decades now I have always wondered why nothing ever happened between us. In 1993 we were at the same junior high school, sure I was your Biology teacher, but we shared that special moment. We walked in the schoolyard and talked about why you weren’t doing your work, I told you that I knew how smart you were, and I told you I was going through a divorce. We both cried a little and then shared that long hug. Didn’t you realize that was when you were supposed to kiss me? In hindsight, maybe I should have made the first move, seeing as I was 20 years your senior. Well, I’m in my 50’s now… wanna bang?

Sincerely Mrs. Robinson

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