Scabby on Heathcare Repeel

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Seeing how most of my customers are local congressional representatives as well as sexually repressed Republicans, I have heard more than my share about the GOP’s attempts to repeel and replace Obama Care. So I thought, who better to write on the subject of peeling and repeeling than Scabby.

Sure common knowledge tells us to let that wound scab over and heal, and once upon a time we lived in an economy where a street-walking industrialist like myself had the time to get worked over and cut up real good for that almighty dollar and then go home, take the morning to scab up, heal, and do it all again the next night. Unfortunately, these days that isn’t the case.

Wake up and Get Sued by a Major Corporation

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By Wil Vent
With a net worth of about $37 (at least until my parents kicks the bucket), and assets numbering in the high single digits (not counting my kids), I don’t worry very much about being sued. The Vent has never been taken to court over one of our silly stories, though several individuals and businesses, including representatives for What-a-burger and now Stripes, have asked us to take down stories or names and logos.

From what I have learned, the law gives a lot of leeway to the press especially when they are printing news, satire and/or parody. I know The Vent isn’t always on the high end of comedy, but we like to think that when we discuss Stripes parent company’s billionaire CEO Kelcy Warren and the millions he gave to the Rick Perry and Trump campaigns and how he fictionally intends to sell top of the line Trump Cups for Republican patrons at his Stripes stores, that this counts as satire and parody. The federal courts have ruled that the subject of the article does not have to get the joke, though it would make me feel a lot better as a comedy writer if they did.

Local Radio Host Beats Dead Horse & Girlfriend

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On air radio personality Eric Von Wade is known for regurgitating the same garbage over and over. For years he has talked to himself about his far-right, gun-toting, ultra-conservative opinions, while a few others with broken radio dials or faulty cerebrum listened in. He has now allegedly graduated from beating a dead horse to beating his live girlfriend.

According to the police report, officers were called to von Wade’s residence, where he was acting like some “roided-out jealous insecure teenager”. He was witnessed verbally abusing his girlfriend who friends describe as being very open-minded in the bedroom to some not-so conservative requests by the Republican.

When his bloody-lipped girlfriend told police that he had assaulted her Eric von Wade was arrested and spent the weekend in the county jail holding facility. Upon his $2500 bonded release, the professional talker who peppers his hardnosed beliefs about politics and his questionable views on feminism with outdated Seinfeld references and misogynistic innuendo took to the airwaves.

Onomatopoeia my pants: An interview with Comedian Pablo Francisco

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I have to start by saying what I knew would be true of this interview before I even made the phone call to Pablo Francisco – It does not do him justice. At first, I thought it would be funny for me to have to spell out and you to have to read all the booshes, woomps, re-roalps, and blehghs, but soon I realized that I suck at onomatopoeia.

Pablo is a master of sound effects and impersonation as you can see by all the characters that pop into our conversation which, I should note, took place around 7am. Of course, the best way to enjoy the many sides of this internationally known comedian is to see him on stage for yourself. All voices are done by Pablo since I also suck at impressions.

Pablo: Hello, this is Pablo Francisco.

Vent: Hey Pablo, this is Wil with the Vent in Corpus Christi. How’re you doing?

P: I’m doing good man. I’m just chilling here on the Internet waiting for your call. And thanks for calling, what’s up man?

V: Yeah, hey. I’m doing pretty good. We just wanted to do a quick little interview to promote the show coming up. I jotted down just some basic stuff and then maybe a little bit of weird stuff too we can get into.

P: Absolutely man, I’m down, man.

Selling Out with Scabby and Reel Big Fish

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Dear Scabby,

We are short staffed this month since Blake Farenthold passed mono to everyone in the office. I know he is one of your regulars, but thanks to your no-kissing policy you’re the only writer we have left to write up the Reel Big Fish show. I need 400 words by Midnight. –Wil Vent

P.S. 400 is the same as two cartons of cigs, it’s also how many dollars you would have if you gave 160 BJ’s

Dear Abusive Bastard of a Boss,

I’ll write your little article about this fruity little band, but remember you still owe me a ten spot for that ring job last Saturday.

-Scabby

Poor Parenting at Moontower: Sing for your Supper, Son or All The Comedy Free Badges Can Buy

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by Wil Henneberger

I think by now, anyone who reads this magazine knows that I don’t have any money. I’ve actually never had money. Early on I realized that if I really wanted to attend an event, then I needed to have a way to get in without paying. Before I became a comedy-nerd, I was a music-geek and for over a decade my brother and I along with our friends would attend Warped Tour or SXSW or just random concerts to interview bands. It started with crashing backstage gates and talking our way in and over the years evolved to emails with publicists and guest list spots.

Not much has changed. Sure I have a son that will start school at UT this fall, but that just means that when I hit up a comedy fest for a couple of badges, one of those is going to go to him. Son, it’s time you learned how to sing for your supper. It’s not like this print magazine is the kind of family business I can pass down to you, but writing is a talent that you can one day incorporate into your holoblog (hologram blog?) so that you can matrix-plug into, and cerebrally upload whatever virtual entertainment you prefer, without having to expend any of the limited bio-credits from the chip in your wrist. We wish we could have loaded you up with more bio-credits but sadly we lost most of what we had, fighting on the losing side of the Great Trump War or ’18.

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