Scabby on The White House

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I get it, all these people want to live in that fancy white house. Who wouldn’t? I’d be happy just to live in a white neighborhood. Some of us are going to have to accept that it just isn’t gonna happen. Some people just don’t belong in those houses and neighborhoods, and by some people, I mean Jews. Of course I am just kidding, there’s always room for a few of God’s chosen people in WASP country, and by wasp country, I mean what I called my vagina that time I found a beehive attached to my labia minora.

In all seriousness, I spent a little bit of time under the desks of some of the top advisers on the Docockus ’88 campaign. And way before that, in 1964, I was part of a group of grassroots goldwater supporters. We hated Barry Goldwater, but we were in favor of going out in the yard and peeing on each other, which at the time made more sense than anything old Boring Pisswater was spraying. I’ve been told that I have a one of a kind perspective and a never before seen STD cocktail in my pink beaker.

Bernie,
First off, you are alienating the Herpeed-American vote with your very insensitive slogan. That’s almost 25% of the population that is going to lean to Trump or Hillary simply because they don’t remind them of those nasty flare-ups in their dirty little ballot boxes.

Moontower 2016 – These Ain’t Your Parent’s Headliners (Well, one of them was…)

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By Wil Henneberger

For reasons regular readers of this monthly will easily ascertain, I could not attend Austin’s Moontower Comedy and Oddity Festival in 2015. The Moontower before that was my first comedy festival experience and if you were following my journey then, you remember how inspired I was after seeing several of my heroes live, especially The Kids In The Hall. 2016 was no less stimulating! Due to my 9-year-old’s kickball game on Wednesday evening I missed the first night of the fest, but I made up for it by hopping in the first bus out of town Thursday morning. By 5pm I had checked into my hostel and had my Press credentials in hand. Just in time to stand in line for the first show I planned to see. Would you like to kick off the weekend with a comedy legend? Um, sure, why not…

Thursday 4/21 – Paramount Theatre 7:00pm– Martin Short

All the big acts at Moontower play the Paramount Theatre, which as you see maintains the classic spelling of the word theater. That’s because it’s a f***ing classy joint. Shoes and shirt required and the whole bit. No popcorn sold in this Theatrah.

The 1975 – For Ages Young… AND UP!

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by Wil Henneberger

Blame it on arrested development, Peter Pan syndrome, or even some twisted identity crisis… There are probably a number of ways to explain/justify the fact that I enjoy listening to the same music as teenage girls. I will be 36 years old this year, and on Spotify, I still make regular stops by New Found Glory, Dashboard Confessional, and now The 1975. I was late to The 1975 party, but when I got there I drank myself stupid, ralphed, and then went back for another go.

Most of my 30-plus advanced demo took notice of the one part funk, two part pop outfit after their performance on the Larry David episode of Saturday Night Live this past February. That night, an unencumbered Matt Healy danced his way into our living rooms and straddled my now questioned sexuality. Am I attracted to Healy as much as my wife? I’m not sure my black-and-white, cut-and-dry generation can handle the answer to that sloppy, grey question.

Wake up and Hostel

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If there is one thing I have made clear throughout all of my writing, it is that I am probably a sex addict, but if one reads a little bit deeper into my prose, it would also be revealed that I am a cheap SOB. I am always on the lookout for a bargain and I don’t mind combing for gems through a pile of bulky items left out for the city to collect and dispose of. Long ago I realized that saving money is the same as making money. Well, not exactly, but at least that sounds nice and proverbial.

As a proud cheapskate headed to Austin for a comedy festival, I was on the lookout for a place to crash for a couple of nights. Since I don’t keep up with any of my quasi- friends in Austin I couldn’t very well ask to crash with them.

Wake Up & Rock

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For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a Radio Disc Jockey. You know, those guys who spin flat vinyl that somehow magically plays sound waves when a needle runs through grooves. Seriously, can you explain how records work? It’s nothing short of witchcraft.
I have always been ahead of Generation Youtube’s obsession with making their mark. Maybe this desire stems from old WKRP reruns on Nick-at-Nite, or perhaps my mind figured out that in a small-market city, there are only a few types of local celebrities and DJs, especially morning DJs, are at the top of that list. Sure, Joe Gazin is the biggest Corpus-famous person in this city by the sea (a close tie with our sexy Mayor), but nobody wants to hang out with newscasters (or politicians for that matter). For one, they are all sociopaths, two, they are incredibly boring. Trust me, I used to work with these people.

March 2016 Horoscopes

by Stella Starr

Pisces
Happy birthday Pisces! With the sun in your house of love and romance you can expect some sizzling hot nights this month. Your partner will be peeling you off the ceiling. But be sure to keep it clean or you will be peeling your knickers off the wall. Eeew.

Aries
Venus is in your house of relationships, ushering in a new period of honesty and openness in your love life. Unfortunately it also means your wife will find out how wide open your secretary has been during your evening conferences when she finds the Instax mini prints in your sock drawer.

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