by Wil Henneberger
Blame it on arrested development, Peter Pan syndrome, or even some twisted identity crisis… There are probably a number of ways to explain/justify the fact that I enjoy listening to the same music as teenage girls. I will be 36 years old this year, and on Spotify, I still make regular stops by New Found Glory, Dashboard Confessional, and now The 1975. I was late to The 1975 party, but when I got there I drank myself stupid, ralphed, and then went back for another go.
Most of my 30-plus advanced demo took notice of the one part funk, two part pop outfit after their performance on the Larry David episode of Saturday Night Live this past February. That night, an unencumbered Matt Healy danced his way into our living rooms and straddled my now questioned sexuality. Am I attracted to Healy as much as my wife? I’m not sure my black-and-white, cut-and-dry generation can handle the answer to that sloppy, grey question.
For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a Radio Disc Jockey. You know, those guys who spin flat vinyl that somehow magically plays sound waves when a needle runs through grooves. Seriously, can you explain how records work? It’s nothing short of witchcraft.
I have always been ahead of Generation Youtube’s obsession with making their mark. Maybe this desire stems from old WKRP reruns on Nick-at-Nite, or perhaps my mind figured out that in a small-market city, there are only a few types of local celebrities and DJs, especially morning DJs, are at the top of that list. Sure, Joe Gazin is the biggest Corpus-famous person in this city by the sea (a close tie with our sexy Mayor), but nobody wants to hang out with newscasters (or politicians for that matter). For one, they are all sociopaths, two, they are incredibly boring. Trust me, I used to work with these people.
by Stella Starr
Happy birthday Pisces! With the sun in your house of love and romance you can expect some sizzling hot nights this month. Your partner will be peeling you off the ceiling. But be sure to keep it clean or you will be peeling your knickers off the wall. Eeew.
Venus is in your house of relationships, ushering in a new period of honesty and openness in your love life. Unfortunately it also means your wife will find out how wide open your secretary has been during your evening conferences when she finds the Instax mini prints in your sock drawer.
by Joshua Espitia
So let’s talk about STD’s, shall we? (Jesus, most people have a little icebreaker or maybe introduce themselves. This guy dives right into cooties.) STD’s terrify me. I’ve thankfully never had one. Or if I did, it didn’t have any symptoms so no harm no foul, am I right? But they’re out there. My health teacher told me so. And they have scary names. And I don’t want one.
You can prevent them. They say condoms do the trick. Unfortunately, I’m allergic to latex. And you’re free to use that as a pick up line. The ladies love that kind of honesty up front. Hey, sexy lady, guess what you’ll be saving 2.50 on later… But that does limit the women I can sleep with. They have to either have a recent clean bill of health (and I am willing to wait the two weeks for results if you’re interested) or have absolutely no regard for their own well-being. But I actually insist that those women have test results. In theory.
But gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis are everywhere. I bet at least all of you have one of them. And nobody talks about
Mike ‘Mayonnaise’ Markle was sworn in as the new Police Chef Friday. Last year, Mike ‘Mayo’ served as interim Chef after the city lost its pervious Chef Floyd ‘Shrimpson’ Simpson in a tragic off-duty accident.
Chef Shrimpson was famously known for the many ways in which he could prepare shrimp-themed meals. There was Shrimp-Cocktail, Shrimp-Kabobs, Fried Shrimp, Grilled Shrimp, Shrimp Scampi, Shrimp Gumbo, etc.
Recently Chef Mayo went up against several other candidates including Gordon Ramsey and that guy who gained a lot of weight and always says, “Baam!” when he adds pepper to an entre. City officials were not impressed with these gimmicks or with Ramsey’s vulgarities. Since last time they chose a Chef of color, “white-guilt” was not a deciding factor leaving only Mike Markle as a considerable applicant.
Corpus Christi’s minor governing authority has taken much flak over the manner in which they have decided to fill an open At-large position on the Council. The spot is available after Councilwoman Lillian Riojas accepted a promotion with her company’s corporate offices in San Antonio.
For several years now Riojas has enjoyed her run as the hottest member of the City Council in recent history. She has done more than her part in rekindling young people’s interest in local government. This is especially true for boys 13-17. While Riojas’ most swelling appeal is with pubescent non-voters, data shows that when she is present at City Council meetings attendance numbers rise from 5 to 7 inches.
“It’s quite impressive,” says City Manager Ron Olson, “When the hot one, I mean Councilwoman HotOne is expressing her educated and sexy informed opinions all over our live streaming webcams our unique views skyrocket. The time she wore that low-cut blue number and kept dropping her pen, it actually crashed our servers.”
The Council has been widely criticized by the local media for the secretive way they are going about filling the Riojas gap. Many believe the group does not have the community’s interest in mind when it comes to finding at least a solid “8” to properly replace the gorgeous governess.